Just Write

Letting Go

2011-08-23T09:46:00.004-05:00

Like a lot of people, I get caught up in my own dramas sometimes. I did that today. I was feeling very frustrated, irritated, and angry regarding some matters that were important to me and the well being of my daughter. I don't know a mom out there who doesn't go into 'mama bear' mode when they feel an injustice is taking place in their kid's life. I may not always show it on the outside, but I can be a pretty nasty mama bear within when I wanna be (I seem to specialize in 'passive aggressive mama bear' qualities at times. And no....I'm not proud of this skill). And I've found that what's inside makes me sick (literally) and often spills out and makes a huge mess!

Though I was able to be proactive and address the problem to the best of my ability, I still felt the negative feelings lingering inside over the issues at hand......issues that are a part of life and that have outcomes I can't control (but think that I somehow can with my stress-inducing thoughts). The result? A heaviness that accompanies burdens I am not meant to bear.

And what are some of the burdens in question? Anger...frustration....worry......anxiety....fear.....unforgiveness.

I struggled with letting go of feeling these things toward the situation and the people involved. Somehow I thought spending my time feeling all these feelings would bring a solution. Yeah, I made 'friends' with them. And when I did, I forgot how to let them go!

And then, God reminded me how to let go by sending me a phone call from someone who was struggling with much bigger issues. Now let me say this......I don't wish to minimize issues by ever saying that someone else's problems are more painful and therefore, more important. It's not for me to compare. I know that God sees everyone's pain the same, however 'small' it may seem to others. And He cares. But I believe God often puts others before us who are suffering in ways we are not so that our current struggles don't seem so powerful and debilitating. He did that for me through this phone conversation and I'm thankful! I quickly forgot about my own troubles (those not so nice 'friends') as I realized that God wanted me to pay attention to what He had before me, which was to be available to this person on the other end of the line so she could just be. And I was able to move on with my day(which apparently included writing this post!).....without my heavy backpack of burdens! Go God!

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tommorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

~Matthew 6:34 (The Message)~

Teamwork

2011-06-01T10:39:00.003-05:00

We've been helping my sister-in-law get her house ready to put on the market. As a single mom with alot on her plate, she was undoubtedly very overwhelmed. And though there was quite a bit of work to be done, family members joined in to help out. That' something I really admire about my husband's family: when someone is in need, they form the team, roll up their sleeves and get to work. They all have an amazing work ethic instilled in them and I've learned alot about hard work and being a better team player by being a part of this family. I can't say I've always played well on this team or other teams....I am an admitted lone ranger in recovery (lol), but I'm learning! It's been a privilege to be a part of this project with them. And God wasn't kidding around when he designed us to find his brand of satisfaction as we work hard to help others.

As I reflect upon all this, I am reminded of what King Solomon wrote in

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12,which is all about our need for others. It's been cool to be reminded that God's grace does, indeed, come through the love of others. All we have to do is receive it when it comes just as my sister-in-law has so graciously done. Her constant smiles are the receipt and they are a blessing to us all :) Here's the verse:

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work;

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

I'm Back!

2011-05-26T09:19:00.004-05:00

Yes....it's been awhile. But, it's good to be back. I do love to write. And I guess it's hard to stay away from something you are wired to do.

Though I never have stopped meshing paper with pen (or fingers with keyboard), I did go 'underground' for a while simply because I needed to. And that time granted to me was good in that it made me appreciate blogging again. I missed it. I missed it so much that I started a new blog that chronicles my daily habit of practicing grateful living. It's hard, sometimes (to be grateful). That's why I had to start a new blog about it......and come up above ground (from my spiral notebook) and go public through this blog. It's an accountability thing for me. And it's working so far! Good thing! Go God! :)

I hope to continue posting on this blog from time to time (when I have the time!). For now, though.....check out the one I do make time for each day called, '5 Cocomocanuts'.

Update

2009-01-22T12:07:00.003-06:00

Though I have somewhat quit feeding this poor blog, I haven't stopped coming here every now and then just read my old posts and stay inspired to 'just write.' And I'm grateful for that continued inspiration to keep doing what God put in me to do. You know why? Because yesterday (after yet another nudge from another encouraging friend) I finally submitted my very first article to a magazine! ((((((((Doing happy dance now)))))))))). It may not seem like such a big deal to some, but to me...it was a BIG victory in Christ! And that's exactly how I was able to do it.....in Christ. There is no magical formula or special secret to uncover. In Christ, I can do all things. Outside of Christ, I can't. And this year, I've decided to adopt one of my dad's favorite things he used to say to me often which is, 'don't tell me how you can't.....show me how you can!' I used to say 'I can't' because I really couldn't! And when I mustered up my own energy to show him and everyone else how I could....I got pretty tired. In Christ, I don't do that anymore. I am free from all that striving and strife because it is His strength working in and through me that releases me from that kind of manufactured pain. Don't be so quick to put me on that pedastal! I'm a pretty good manufacturer of pain when I choose to be. But when I try to be in charge....freedom alludes me and pride takes over. I want freedom. And according to God, it's his gift to me to enjoy and share now and forever. The freedom I have in my life today is like no other and one that cannot possibly be described adequately in words. It is an authentic freedom one can only experience fully....in Christ.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength"

(Phillipians 4:13)

Father Knows Best

2008-06-17T12:52:00.015-05:00

It has nearly been a year since I began my blogging adventure. Hard to believe time passes so quickly like that. And a year ago, I never would have imagined where I would be today. And to some, where I am today isn't such a plumb position. Today, I am in the process of recovering from a back surgery I had on May 7.

All of us have plans for our lives. We dream and some of us are fortunate enough to put feet on those dreams. I know that for myself, I've had that privilige many times. One of those dreams was to run in an 'official' 5K race. I got to run in 2 of them this past year! They were truly dreams come true for me......the experiences were awesome! And despite the back trouble, why would I dare regret getting to participate in something God so graciously opened the doors for me to do? I don't. Why? Because I now understand more fully that trials will come and with those trials comes character building opportunities. Humility has been something I've learned more about through my own recent trials.

When I was given the news that the shooting pains going down my left leg weren't muscular, but rather......spinal related and that surgery would be necessary, my first question was whether I could run again. I was told I could, but shouldn't. And though I have great faith that God is bigger than my injuries and could easily override what any doctor says is true........I also have faith in knowing that God, like any good father, wants his daughter to take care of the body he gave her to the best of her ability. And for me, that means doing what the doctor says to do. Big lesson in obedience here.

It's hard. No doubt. There are times when I want to say, "What does he know anyway?" and then run off (literally) and do my own thing. In fact, I confess I've tried my hand at disobeying the doctor's orders several times since coming home from the hospital. No, I haven't gone jogging, but I have done some other things that have slowed my recovery a bit. How ironic it is that I long to heal, yet choose to jepordize that very healing in favor of doing what I want. Thanks Adam and Eve! :)

Yes......I admit that me and donkeys have alot in common sometimes. But, thankfully, I am no animal. "Eating with the pigs" doesn't suit me like it used to. I long, instead, to be at home in my Father's house, wearing the finest clothes, eating the finest foods, and celebrating with the family I love. And that's exactly what I've had the pleasure of enjoying in these past few weeks more than ever! I got yet another taste of heaven. I didn't deserve it. But it came anyway. And what I know to be true is that to receive grace takes something only Jesus has the power to give.....humility. Without trusting him, my pride wins out every time. And when it wins....I lose.....as does everyone else.

Being down with a bad back has brough with it the joy of living more humbly. I didn't really get that before......but, I get it on a more deeper level now. That's been my experience. Why would I want to rush something so precious in favor of 'doing my own thing' over doing 'God's thing'? As I see it, Father (God) does know best!

Jesus Makes the 'Braid'

2008-04-13T10:23:00.003-05:00

The violations came on me like a great windstorm that night. I couldn't, in my own pitiful human strength, keep them away. The voices were numerous…….."You're not good enough……you're not doing enough…..Jesus is going to come back and he's going to leave you behind…..you've let down your family, your friends, your church, your community. You've let down God himself. There's no hope for you." For all these things, I wept; tears flowed down my cheeks (Lamentations 1:16a). I sought comfort from my husband……the only human ally that happened to be nearby that dark night. I begged him to affirm me……tell me something good about me…..assure me that I was 'ok'! For whatever reason (perhaps because he's human??????), he was unable to say the words I so desperately craved. I felt utterly devastated and alone. No one was there to comfort me; any who might encourage me were far away (lamentations 1:16b) I picked up my bible and my eyes fell upon the scripture I had been meditating upon for many weeks…..the one that was helping me beyond my bad habit of isolating when things get bad: Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help….. Ecclesiastes 4:9. As I read those words, I felt betrayed. Didn't God tell me to reach out to others when I was in need? I reached out for help, but no one comforted me (Lamentations 1:17a)……I had begged my allies for help, but they betrayed me (Lamentations 1:19). I was confused and my bitter heart caused my mouth to curse both my husband and God…….the two individuals I was trying to simultaneously worship and find my assurance from. I let the sun go down on my anger and went to bed mad. And in the darkness of the night, I awoke. I couldn't sleep. Then I heard God's voice calling me. "Roll over and hug your husband." At the same time, I could feel the oppressive heaviness of pride keeping me from doing what was right. I was torn, but I felt cold in the death grip of my own sin. I didn't like it. The pain of staying the same had finally become greater than the pain of changing. So I prayed, "God, if this is what you want me to do, please give me the same strength you gave your son Jesus to rise up from the dead! I'm tired and worn out from all this sorrow caused by fighting you! I surrender…..Help me!" Rise during the night and cry out. Pour your hearts like water to the Lord(Lamentations 2:19). And I rolled over and hugged my husband. He squeezed my arm in the affectionate way he does when he wants to say, 'I love you, too.' And in that instant, I felt God's grace and peace wash over me. A marriage was saved and resurrected that night and it happened because of a simple act of trust in the only One who can do for us that which we can never do for ourselves. A third person had been invited to intervene and entered the scene and made us stronger…….Jesus Christ. And in that precious moment, that scripture in Ecclesiastes became even more meaningful to me, especially the last part………

Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12)

Giving

2008-03-30T10:55:00.007-05:00

I am about to finish up my Thursday step class and we are currently working on step 12 which is the 'giving step'. I love this lesson because this is what the Christian faith is all about. This is what we were saved to do! Yet....as I began working on my homework for this lesson, I found myself struggling with honestly answering some of the questions. And it made me contemplate the whole giving thing. I stopped working on my lesson and picked up my journal. It's something I do when I am struggling and don't know which direction to go next. It's one of the ways God and I communicate. Here's what we talked about........

Sunday March 30, 2008

Why is it so hard for me to give sometimes?

What is giving about?

God comes first, not you. You give because God gave to you. Maybe it's hard to give sometimes because you forget this. You forget that all you have.......all you enjoy.......all you learn..... is a gift from God. Even your suffering is a gift because it strengthens your character! Do a gratitude list.

Giving involves relationship. It's about 'we' not 'I'. Giving can never be done alone. In order to give, someone else has to be involved. That can be difficult for someone like you who has a bad habit of isolating- who tends to 'lone ranger' it through life.

Giving involves sharing. If you were never taught in a healthy way how to share as a child, it can be difficult to learn as an adult. But, it's never too late to learn. Start now!

Giving involves sharing 'how it was....what happened....who your source of strength was.... and that your source of strength can be someone else's source of strength, too'. How can someone like me with an A.D.D. brain remember all this???? Faith in God to help with the recall and the words! What about finding people who are hungry for what I have? Trust God to lead you to those people. Everyone is hungry. They just aren't always aware of it. They go numb (just like you can do sometimes!). Wake them up! Be an example to them. They're watching you.

Giving involves being responsible. It involves being aware.....being awake. It involves being an example.....being a 'doer of the Word'. It involves being consistent in your actions. It involves committment. It involves authenticity.......sincerity. This can be very overwhelming to someone who has had little or no practice with such things. This can be scary to a perfectionist like me who thinks she has to do it all perfectly. That's the thing, though.......Jesus is the only perfect giver. I am his follower! I try and I do my best.....not someone else's best (cause someone else is always gonna think you can do better!). And when I'm unable to give.....I seek help so that I can give! That's what recovery is all about!

Giving is also about receiving. Sometimes, I fail to give because I have not first received or I have forgotten what I have received (do that gratitude list!). I cannot give away that which I have not been given. Open your hands! (yes! It's ok to receive handouts!)......open your arms.......run to Jesus! Be that wide-eyed child of faith! And be sure to say 'thank you' for all you have been given (that gratitude list is a good start!). Let giving and receiving become a healthy cycle in your life. God says you have to receive his love first (be filled up) so that you can then give it away (pour it out). You're his workmanship......his vessel......a beautiful vase which is designed to hold and pour out his living water! Let it be a perpetual action in your life.....like a fountain!

So, being a girl of many questions, I have to ask......what happens when I run out of momentum? Why does this happen?

Have you shifted your gaze from the eternal to the world? You and God have kept constant eye contact. You can look him in the eye now because of Jesus. You were created for that kind of engagement with both God and others! However, you (like Eve) sometimes give into temptation. And you choose that over the next right thing. You sin. And your sin causes guilt. And instead of allowing your guilt to change your ways.......you go further into a world of shame. And before you know it......you become a squatter in the bushes trying to cover yourself with sticky fig leaves. The answer lies not in sticky fig leaves but rather.......God's royal coverings! Is there hope? You betcha! God is always watching you. His gaze never shifts. And like a loving parent......he keeps his eye on you because you are the apple of his eye! He waits patiently for you to turn your eyes to Him again. He's waiting. It's up to you. How long are you going to hide? How long do you want to suffer? Is your pain threshhold really that high? Or are you numb to the pain? Please wake up!

Another thing about giving is that it involves being fearless. Often, I find myself being afraid to give because I fear I'll lose something. Maybe it's money......time.......possessions. Maybe it's my dignity......my joy.....peace, serenity, freedom, sanity. Maybe it's something I think I've worked real hard for (and when I'm here......it's because I've forgotten who helped me!). Maybe it's my pride! Ouch. God asks me to guard my heart and mind. I get that intellectually. I don't always get that in my heart. Boundaries. That's a word I have learned alot about in the last few years. Recently.....God has brought the word, "violations" to mind. There are violations occurring every second upon my time, attention, money, etc. How do I possibly filter it all out? How do I discern between what is a true violation and what is something good God wants to give me??? God reminded me that I have in me, because of putting my trust in Jesus.......the Holy Spirit. He acts as my filter. He helps me discern.....sort through all the stuff in a healthy way. He is the reason Jesus could discern. If I go back and read the bible, I will see clearly that Jesus was bombarded constantly. But because he had the 'Holy Spirit' filter working through Him......He was able to know when to give and when to say 'no'. And He has taught me the same.

Giving is not the same being a martyr. Jesus was no matyr. He chose to suffer for the human race. And He chose the absolute worst kind of suffering so we wouldn't have to! God loved us so much it hurt! That doesn't mean we can't choose to suffer for those we love. We can and we should.....but we do so with a willing, surrendered, discerning heart that only Jesus can provide. God says I need to deny my flesh (for example.....say 'no' to using a credit card to buy myself something)........I need to deny the world (for example.....say 'no' to someone who tells me that buying something with a credit card is ok)........I need to deny the enemy (for example.....say 'no' to both of those things and any other 'voices' in my head that continue to try and make doing this act 'ok' even when I know for myself that it's not). This is what it looks like to say 'no' to something harmful and 'yes' to something good.......repentence. But this can only come from faith in Jesus.

Finally.......Giving involves willing sacrifice. And again.....only faith in Jesus can produce that kind of giving. He willingly sacrificed his life for me. Therefore, my love response is to willingly sacrifice my life for him and when I think I can't........remember that I can by simply saying to Him in prayer....."I believe! Help me over my unbelief!"

Can't give away what I have not receieved. Jesus is the true source.

The Rythmn of the Dance

2008-03-16T08:22:00.004-05:00

Duane recently landed in the hospital again. With as many times as my husband has spent time here for various reasons, I'm beginning to see what God was trying to let me in on when I first met Duane, who happened to be wearing a knee brace! :) I've come to accept this as part of the deal.

Most of the times.....Duane has been under hospital care for various orthopaedic reasons.......namely his knees. This time, however, we weren't prepared for the reason for his latest visit.......a mini-stroke.

I won't go into all the details except to say that as I am blogging.....Duane is currently being prepped for another 'procedure'.....one where they put a small camera down his pipes to check out the condition of his heart. The nurse suggested Mackenzie and I not be present while they do this in his room, so we are home and I am doing what I do when I feel scared.....journaling (and for me......this is another way to communicate with God.). The point of my blog is to focus on the ways that God has spoken to me during this trial. He is good like that if only I will listen. And this morning......this is what he shared with me.....

Last night...I was drained and vunerable. And the enemy capitalized on that. My mind forgot all the wonderful scriptures God had planted there to help me get through the day at the hospital. I began to feel alone and afraid and slowly forgot about all the people who had come to visit and thus.....all the ways God had provided for us. I had forgotten. And God knew what I needed.......so he provided me with more strength through the prayers and words of encouragement from my dear friend, DeAnn. As I cried on her 'shoulder' over the phone, she encouraged me and prayed with me. And by the time we hung up.......I was filled up with the just what was needed to help me go on. I prepared some chicken for today's meals (so that Mackenzie and I didn't need to eat out....again) and cleaned up the kitchen so that I wouldn't have to face a dirty one when we got up this morning to start all over again. I went to bed and drifted off to sleep. And when I did my quiet time this morning......God reminded me that He does this all the time. He gives me whatever I need whenever I need it and he does so freely. All I have to do is ask with an expecting heart. He's generous.......he loves me........he provides. I am the one who often fails to see what He is offering and I miss out. And like a weak heart that is arhythmic (I hope that is a word!).......my own rhythmn is off. I get out of step with God's will for me.......which is always good! And in that time.....I need a heart check, just like what Duane is getting this morning so that things can get back on track.

Thank you God, for all the ways you provide. Forgive me for all the times I miss that. Keep my eyes and ears and heart open to your will, which is good, generous and loving. Help me to stay in rhythmn with you and when I'm off.......give me the willingness to trust you to do a thorough heart check so we can continue our dance! I love you! In Jesus name, Amen.

UTSA 5K Diploma Dash

2008-03-01T13:00:00.003-06:00

Running the Race

2008-02-02T11:06:00.000-06:00

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us"
Phillipians 3:14

Today, I ran a 1-miler in the SARR's Fun Run. I am training for my 5-K coming up March 1 (did I also mention that our family signed up to do the church 5K walk this month???? I would say I am definitely getting my fair share of race practice!). This was part of my training. Wanted to see how things are going and what my speed looked like. I surprised myself. I ran 1 mile in 8:35! Duane even said I was one of the middle finishers (I wasn't last like that last race I did many years ago with my nephew!!!). Today's run really helped boost my confidence level alot. But it's not me who gets the glory. I thank God for the body....the health and the most awesome personal trainer there is out there (Jesus Christ) to help me do this! Without Him......I wouldn't have the abundant life I have today nor the one I get to enjoy tommorrow in heaven! Go God! :)

Choosing to Stay Put

2008-01-31T11:21:00.001-06:00

Have thought of starting a new blog where all I do is post pictures and include very short commentary. BUT......that would mean more on my plate. And my plate might spill over and make a big mess if I add anything else. That's just been my experience. The way I see it......this blog is like old friends: you don't give them up just because you feel like starting fresh. They require commitment and that takes work. And today....it's taking some work to write something and to keep the process going. In the end, though,.....it's always worth it! SO.....I think I'll just stay put and keep this one and do my best to write something......anything.......every now and again (even if it makes no sense and/or has no apparent purpose/seems boring or whatever). It's all about the process! :)

What's Been Going On

2008-01-24T10:12:00.000-06:00

I only have 5 minutes to write, so I have to make this quick........

Just wanted to get back into this (blogging)......it has been a long time! Have been busy with living my life! Am currently taking a great financial class with Duane at my church called Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey Rocks! Took over as a co-leader for my revovery group early this month and really feel like God has me right where He wants me where my ministry work is concerned. March 1, I will (God willing) be participating in my first ever

5-K run! I began training for that a few weeks ago (am on week 3 three now! Whoo hoo!). Though I don't get to blog like before (priorities have changed up a bit).....I still find time to do a little scrapbooking here and there (trying to keep that right brain of mine somewhat in shape!!). Since Duane had his car accident before Christmas, we have been 'one-car-ing' it. I drive him to and from USAA each day (which is about 25 miles each way!) and I feel like I'm living in our Escape! Even so......I still am finding time to run our home, be a wife and mom, and not just exist......but live. By God's grace, it's happenin! :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2007-12-22T14:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

2007-12-02T10:50:00.000-06:00

"Two people are better off than one for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)~

Dear Duane,

By God's grace, I have been blessed to have you as my husband and best friend for all these years! I could not have ever arranged a more perfect union on my own. I'm grateful for God's divine intervention in our lives! Thank you for all the times you've supported me and helped me live out my dreams.....for all the times you've reached out to me with a hug, an empathetic ear or a prayer. When I have fallen, you've been there. You've kept me warm when the world has seemed cold, distant and uncaring. We are warriors in Christ's army and we have not been easily defeated because we have stood back-to-back and conquered! And by God's grace again, we have been gifted with a third cord in Mackenzie! In Christ, our family cannot be easily broken! These last 12 years have been incredible and I can't wait to see what else our journey together will bring! May God allow us many more exciting years together as we anticipate the return of the one who loves us all! I love you! K

Progress Not Perfection

2007-12-02T09:32:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Mackenzie ambitiously set out to hand sew denim throw pillows that she salvaged from an old pair of jean legs. She wanted to make them into Christimas gifts for her friends. I thought it was sweet, but I also knew what was to come. As she went about her task, I went about my day. And then I heard the inevitable cries of frustration coming from my little perfectionist in the next room.

When I went into her room to find out what was up, she bitterly complained that the thread had snapped midway through her work. Instead of telling her what to do, I told her that this was a great opportunity to put her problem solving skills to work. And then, I walked out of the room hoping that she might actually slow down long enough to think about the problem and then come up with some solutions by herself. I refused to enable this child. The other side of it was that I was frustrated with her attitude and didn't wish to condone it. Or, to go a bit deeper.......I was looking in the mirror at myself and didn't want to go there. So....I left Mackenzie to her own devices. And when I returned to check on her progress, she informed me with intense anger in her voice that she had ripped out the thread she had previously sown and started over. All the time and effort she had previously exerted had been deemed worthless in her eyes. I felt sick inside. What I saw was this: She did something which I saw symbolically that I have done in my own life so many times before. She impulsively gave into her own impatience and frustration by destroying the progress she had worked so hard to achieve. I had a choice in this moment. I could scold her or I could teach her. As best I could, I taught. And by the power of the Holy Spirit.....my words were God's words.....thank HIM!! I wasn't 100% confident at the time that I had spoken life-giving words to my discouraged 9-year old. But this morning, it was confirmed to me as I read through the book of Phillipians. God is so good!

Paul writes in Phillipians 3 starting in verse 12:

"I dont' mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and recieve the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Let us all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must hold on to the progress we have already made."

I wrote the bolded words on an index card to share with Mackenzie as soon as she wakes up this morning. I wrote those words on the card to remind myself as well. Those words remind us to keep on keeping on and to never throw away that which God has given to us, which is our lives, first and foremost.....and all the other wonderful things that enhance our lives. It made me think about some of the gifts God gave Mackenize: Girl Scouts, which taught her to sew and make pillows; a generous heart that loves to make things for others; creativity; willingness to try something; her trust in Jesus. And in one moment of temptation.... she threw it all away in the name of frustration and impatience. Yes.....this was a small thing. But, it made me see what big things this can happen with, too. God says that if we are faithful with the little things, he will enlarge our territories. But, we have to first trust Him with the little things before our character has proven we can handle anything larger.

My prayer: God, you are so great that you sent your one and only son to earth as a baby only to die on the cross for our sins. It still blows me away to know that you would love us enough to do that. There is still so much we don't understand and I thank you for giving us the gift of curiosity so that we can willingly and joyfully continue to grow in the knowledge of your son, Jesus.....who we love so much! Thank you that you called me and Mackeznie to you. Forgive us when we take that gift and so many others for granted. Thank you for your forgiveness! Help me and Mackenzie continue to press on to win the race because we value excellence......not because we want to be the best. You are the best. There is no one like you! Help us to also celebrate the good things we have achieved in life because of you and you alone. May we never forget the progress we have made so far and may we never forget the reason for our success, which is YOU! Love you! Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 28

2007-11-12T14:03:00.001-06:00

I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word

My prayer:
Even though tears don't stream from my eyes today, my heart still cries out for you, God. I need you. Today, I am struggling with my ADD. I feel anxious. My brain is swirling around with a million thoughts and I am at a loss as to what I can do with them all. My flesh (my body and my heart) tells me to go one way and your Holy Spirit in me tells me to go the other way. I need your arms around me, Jesus, so that I don't feel so out of control. I need your guidance. I need to be contained right now. I want to be used by you in the right way. Your word is what can help. It encourages me when I feel weak (like now). Thank you for reminding through my weaknesses how much I need you. My worries are no good. They only bring me pain and sorrow. But it is by your word that I find relief. Thank you! In Jesus name, Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 25

2007-11-10T08:27:00.000-06:00

I lie in the dust; revive me by your word

My prayer:
God, I have meditated upon this scripture for the last few days and it has been a difficult one. Today like the last few days, I feel good. I don't feel like I 'lie in the dust.' And when I read the second part, I am reminded that I do because I am reminded that your word is what keeps me alive. Without Jesus, I am a spiritual mess because I am dead in sin. Thank you that I have a choice to live a life free from sin's power. My hope is in Him. Just as you raised Him from death through the resurrection, I know you will do that for me, too. I know this because of the change that happens in me everytime I take the time to read the bible and hear what you have to say to me! And it is in your word that I see your Word (Jesus). Thank you that I do not have to put all my hope in the imperfect people, places and things of this world to give me 'a lift'. Thank you for giving me that peace in Christ! In Jesus' precious name...Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 24

2007-11-07T08:23:00.000-06:00

Your laws please me; they give me wise advice

My prayer:

God, I love you. I love your words in the bible! Everyone of them makes sense! Every single word has meaning! I can't find that anywhere else! I've looked and time and again....you've proven to me that the bible is the only book of truth. Nothing else compares! There is no other book or speech that measures up. Oprah has absolutely nothing on you and her words seem foolish compared to yours. Even the best Christian author (if there is even such a thing) has nothing on your writing skills! As one who loves to write and hopes to be a Christian author herself one day.....that is very humbling. But thank you for keeping me humbled in that sense. I wouldn't want it any other way! My pride gets me absolutely no where!

Yes...I am constantly amazed by you and the way you cleverly assembled the bible. No mere man could ever do such a thing without your guidance. Your advice is better than any I've ever sought out. Thank you for the gift of discernment. It helps me recognize the difference between good and bad advice (and there's alot of bad advice out there!). Thank you for leading me to the books and people that are godly and who have acted as my mentors. Forgive me for all the times, however, when I have crossed that fine line and put those same people and things upon the throne that only you belong on. You are King. May I never forget this! Thank you for saving me from the hell of confusion that comes from the flood of information in our world! It's not getting any easier, but I take comfort in knowing that you've got me covered (in Jesus' blood) and that this world is not all there is for me! I am learning more and more by saturating my human mind in your truths that you are the only one capable of clearing away the cobwebs of a confused and polluted mind. Keep me under your loving authority and make me keenly aware of the times when I step out from under it through the conviction of the Holy Spirit in me. I love your laws, God, because I know they are perfect. Every one of them points to Jesus! May I continue to follow and delight in them always! In Jesus name, Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 16

2007-11-06T08:19:00.000-06:00

I will delight in your decrees and not forget your word.

My prayer:
God, as long as I have known you....I've found nothing but the truth in your word. I may not always agree with it right away. I may question it. Thank you for assuring me that questions are good, even when they are directed at the Lord Almighty. Forgive me for ever thinking I can't go before you and be honest. But, despite my doubting Thomas ways, you always help me see the truth. I am yours and because I am yours.....I know you're right. Yes! I do delight in your decrees because I know they are good, true, bring peace and are from you. I know you to be, amongst other things, the God of Light. Delight means 'of the light'. And I know that you made me and so, I am your delight! I am of you. I am of the light!

So, why do I act like I'm not? Once again, I praise you for the gift of free will. I have come to understand that you are not a harsh, distant God who forces his will on people. You didn't do with it Adam and Eve. You don't do it to me, either. You give me choices, just like you gave them choices. And like them, I sometimes make bad choices that have far reaching consequences. I use your gift of free will against you. And I'm so sorry. I don't want to do that anymore.

Please enable me to use what you've given to me for your good purposes and not my selfish ones. Help me do the next right thing in everything I do! May I begin by making the right choice in delighting in your decrees and not forgetting them. It is by your word....your way....Jesus..... that I can be free! In His name, Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 11

2007-11-04T11:09:00.001-06:00

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

My prayer:

God, I confess that my heart has become hardened in many areas. You know what they are. Prepare the soil of my heart so that I may joyfully receive the seed of your word. I want only good things to grow from my humble heart. In Jesus name, Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 9

2007-11-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

How can a young person stay pure? By obeying God's word.

My prayer: God, I know I am your child. And I know you love me more than anyone ever could. You want what's best for me like a parent wants what's best for their own child. The difference is that you are the perfect parent. My desire is to remain within your perfect ways. My desire is to remain in Christ. My desire is so because it's your desire. I want more than anything to grow up to become that joyful person of integrity like Jesus. And I know that with you, it's possible. I can see that ,often, I forget you are wiser than I. I am seeing more and more that I rebel like an obstinate child and that my rebellion to do things my way only brings trouble. I know I'll never be a perfect kid to the world around me, but in your eyes......I am. What security that brings to me! So, I ask that you would help me start living like that vision you have of me.......not so that I can fulfill my own selfish desires. Rather, help me live like Jesus so that I can fulfill your loving desires. I ask for your forgiveness now. Thank you for sending your only son to die on a cross for my sins so that I can receive this forgiveness. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. Give me an overwhelming desire to obey your word consistently so that, consistently, my actions would reflect Jesus' actions. In His name, Amen.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 5

2007-11-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

"Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!"

My prayer: God, my deepest desire is to be just like Jesus in everything I say and do. He is my picture of your decrees, which are not given to harm but to heal. Please help me be consistent in following your instructions for my life so that I may find the healing, strength and joy I need to live the victorious life you have given to me in Christ.

Operation Psalm 119: Verse 1

2007-11-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

He says, "Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the LORD."

She says, "God, help me follow your instructions for life so I can be a person of integrity and experience true joy. Because I get confused and distracted so easily, help me understand what your instructions are for my life specifically. I desperately need your guidance. I want more than anything to experience daily your brand of joy for my life. And sadly, it seems as if I am torn between this deep desire and another desire to do things my way. Forgive me for trying to follow my own instructions. My problems demonstrate time and again that your way is much better. Give me a heart like Christ that is easily surrendered to your will. Thank you for loving me and giving me this day you made. May I rejoice and be glad in it!"

Recovery

2007-10-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

I belong to a great group at my church called Celebrate Recovery. It is a Christian 12-step group that provides support for people who have hurts and hang-ups of all sorts. I began my recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous in 2001 and through that program, God delievered me from my addiction to alcohol and cigarettes. I don't have enough time to tell you the difference recovery has made in my life. But what I can tell you is this: I love recovery. It truly is my passion. It is a way of life for me. And I love helping others recover. Helping others not only helps them.....it helps me, too. I couldn't live any other way. And I'm grateful for that change.

The neat thing about recovery is that once you take a bite, you inevitably find more things to chew on. The first step for me was to stop drinking and smoking. They were things in my life that came between me and God and everyone else. When the fog from those addictions lifted, I was able to see the other problems in my life more clearly. One of the most significant things God was able to reveal to me once I could 'see' better was my own sin of wanting to do things my way verses God's way. It was when I became aware of this that I recognized what that deep longing inside of me all those years had been about. I was looking for love in all the wrong places (remember that song?). I was searching for it in people, places and things. And everytime I thought I had found it, I inevitably became disappointed and disallusioned. I really was sick of that same old song and dance. One thing I learned in AA is the definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I was sick of being insane. I was sick and tired of always being sick and tired. In 2003....Jesus found me sick, tired, sore, and out of options. And I finally found the love I was looking for in Him. I didn't understand all that there was to understand about this guy, but I put my faith in Him anyway and the limited, dead life I thought was mine forever changed forever! I made the simple decision to trust Him to save me and lead me from that point on. And I have no regrets.

Last year, I was in desperate need of a Christian recovery group that could help me with another big problem of mine: People pleasing. I won't go into all the details as to why this was necessary and what led up to this (long long long story.....the story of my life. That's a long story). I'll just say again that once you get involved with the recovery efforts to find the pieces and parts that have been stolen from you by God's biggest nemesis.....you can't stop. Me personally.....Satan pisses me off. And everytime I think about what he's taken from me and so many others.....I get even more fired up about recovery. Where Satan is concerned, 'pissed off' is good. This is called righteous anger (think Jesus in the temple overturning the money changers tables in John 2).

Now.....I wasn't sure where I was going to find such a group. I had never heard of "People Pleasers Anonymous". But, I knew God would be the best source in helping me find such a place, so I starting praying for Him to lead me to a group like that. And I found the Codependents group at Celebrate Recovery. The first time I went, it was scary. It was scary to me because I was in so much pain. I hurt so badly at the time that I didn't even want to talk to anyone. And for the most part, I didn't. I just showed up. Showing up is a (healthy) survival technique I learned years ago from my sponsor in AA. She used to tell me to do it all the time. She used to tell me to just show up and trust God with the results. So, I started doing that as much as I could until it became a part of me. Today, it's one of my favorite phrases to use and one of my favorite things to do. You just never know what's going to happen when you show up. It's become kind of an adventure of sorts.

So, I showed up that first time.....and I continued to keep showing up. Eventually, I starting talking and opening up to the others. I heard stories in there that resonated with me. I found connection with other Christians who were hurting like me and who weren't afraid to admit it and get the help they needed to get back into the 'race'. And soon, I wanted to be around those people all the time. A 12-step class opened up shortly after my initial visit and I signed up. That was in February. I am still taking the class and we are currently working on our 4th step. It's tough work. It's also one of the most rewarding acts of obedience I have ever committed myself to.

In the 4th step, you do a 'searching and fearless moral inventory'. You do, as Lamentations 3:40 says and test and examine your ways. In English? You take a long, hard look at yourself (the good and the bad). You get honest with yourself about who you're resentful at.......why......what that resentment has done to you.....the damage it's caused for you and for your relationships......and what you've done to act out inappropriately because of that resentment. It's a time of extracting the pus from the boil. It's hard to do, it hurts, and it brings much relief and healing once it's over. On the 'good side'......you look at who has blessed you....why......what that blessing has done for you......the restoration that has occurred because of their loving kindness.......and what you've done to make yourself available to receive that kind of love (the ways in which you have 'shown up').

Today, as I was working on one of my 'resentment sheets' (these are the worksheets we use to journal out all our stuff), I discovered another huge pattern in my life: Hurting people who violate my boundaries. The pattern was revealed through my resentment of people pushing me. I don't like to be pushed. Let's put it in these terms: I like animals. And because I like them, I feel like I can understand them. So, I know (from personal experience) that when one tries to touch a growling dog, they will probably get bit. Common sense says, "Dog is growling. Get the hint. Back off." For me, I only had to get bitten once to learn this lesson. What I am discovering in life is that there are many people out there who don't get the hint. They keep trying to 'pet me' even when I am growling.....sometimes snarling and foaming at the mouth! Why 'don't they get it???' I scream. They push me beyond what my boundaries will allow and I bite. They ask after I've said 'no'.....they demand reasons for my 'no'....they get in my business when it's obvious (to me) I would rather be left alone...... and on and on. Yes.....I tend to be more of an introvert and I don't get my energy from being around people. I have come to appreciate the fact that I am one of those people who can be around others and needs to be around others......but once I've done this, let me have my space! PLEASE!!!! I've bitten many people in my life who don't get this about me. And they usually run off wounded and in tears. And then......unlike a dog (which I am not).....I feel guilty.

My guilt turns to shame and my shame beats me over the head and then.....I am hurting and in tears like my bite victims. And there is resentment on both ends. And the wall is established. And there is no connection. And therefore......no life. My bite victims may or may not go on with their lives. But me? I sit in my prison of shame. And in order to get out, I do all kinds of dumb things(one of them being people pleasing!). And then I begin to resonate with what the apostle Paul says beginning in Romans 7:14 b (New Living Translation):

"The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin.
I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I
don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate......And I know that nothing good
lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, I
can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do
what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to
do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does
it.....Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this
life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer
is in Jesus Christ our Lord."

Thank God for Jesus! Amen!

Fact: I am a sinner. Fact: God hates sin Fact: God loves me (hates the sin, not the sinner). Fact: If God hates sin and I am filled with it, we can't really hang out and be real with one another. Fact: God is God and God says that in order for sinful me to hang out with sinless Him, I need to bring him a perfect sacrifice. Fact: The perfect sacrifice would not be me and animals won't fill the bill anymore because they aren't perfect either (even those cute little snow white lambs). Fact: God decides to send a part of himself to be that perfect sacrifice, which would be His Son Jesus Christ. Fact: Jesus, who is also God, comes to earth as a man to live with man to better understand man (God wants to be close to us). Fact: God makes himself be known to everyone through Jesus. Fact: Jesus does what God His father says to do and dies on the cross as the perfect sacrfice for our sins. He allows himself to become the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world so that we can have peace. Fact: He is buried and rises from the dead (only God could do that) and ascends back into to heaven. Fact: He leaves behind not his body, but his Holy Spirit for those who decide to put their trust in Him so that they can have eternal life here and in heaven. Fact: The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things, there is no law (Galations 5: 22-23)

So.....today, I have hope in Him to help me get out of myself.....to help me learn how to set boundaries with people......to help me stop giving into my fleshly desires and start yielding to God's desires. In Him, I have a friend inJesus better than any that will be patient with me when others can't......who will encourage me when I am afraid.....who will forgive me when I mess up (and I will!).....who will love me better than mom, dad, sister, brother, husband, best friend, etc. My faith is in One who will comfort me so that I may comfort others......who will love me so that I can love others. Only through Him can this be so. Thank you, Jesus! I love you!

Washing Feet: Our Story

2007-10-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

Ok......so I'm on this foot thing. I admit, I am one of those strange individuals who notices feet. And, until a few years ago, I didn't immediately jump on the open-toe-shoe bandwagon that has become so popular in recent times (Think serious flip-flop revival.....they are a closet staple of mine, now!). So, when I received a (very high) compliment from my niece on my blog about having nice toes (she was referring to the last picture I posted), it was a reminder I had come a long way in what I call my 'discipline of being vunerable'. I fretted over putting that picture on my site. I don't like to broadcast my feet like that, but I decided to allow for a 'vunerable moment' and take a chance (and I took another one with today's blog photo!!!). So, thank you for the encouragement, Cis!

So I use feet and John 13 as the inspiration for my blog today...

"And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet." ~John 13:14~

The way I see it, feet are a symbol of humility. Think about it: they are the lowest part of the body. They are usually the hardest workers. They can get stepped on. For some, they aren't the most attractive part of the human anatomy. They tend to smell, get dirty, develope corns, etc. Need I go on? Feet take alot of abuse.

Yet, despite their apparent lowliness, they can be washed, pedicured and adorned. Seriously, I have seen some mighty ugly feet be transformed into gloriously polished peds. And I'm not just talking about literal feet here. I'm talking about hearts, too. But, I'll get to that later.

How does this happen?

It begins with something so simple, yet something we humans find so difficult to live out. It begins with humility.

It takes humility to remove your shoes, offer your feet to another and let that individual care for them.

And if you think that's a challenge, how much more ego-busting is it to offer your broken, imperfect self over to a God you cannot see and have only heard about in the bible, in church, from a loved one or perhaps on TV? We all want 'the burning bush experience'. Even Moses wanted that and rightly so......he was a human just like you and me. We want a tangible God who we can see, hear, feel, taste and smell. We are sensual by nature. That's why we love to surround ourselves with beautiful sights and sounds and indulge ourselves with relaxing massages and pedicures....good tasting choice foods and sweet smelling candles. And thank God for those provisions which He so lovingly gifts us with and sadly, for which we often abuse. We turn God's blessings into curses and end up hurting both ourselves and those we love with the same things God intended for us to enjoy. God knows this. That is why He lovingly calls us to something more. He calls us to have faith. And according to Hebrews 11:1, 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.' We are asked by God to simply put forth a a tiny 'mustard seed faith' in Jesus, even though we don't fully understand all there is to know about Him. We are to put our trust in Him knowing that we will understand more as we go along. Why do we need to have all our ducks in row, anyway? Because by nature, we think we need to be in control. It's a dangerous defense mechanism called prided that eventually leads to our demise. If you recall, that is what happen to Satan after he went over to the other side. Mustard seed faith. That's all it takes. And the blessings that come from faith like that are too numerous to count. God's promises this if only we would choose to believe Him!

We do what we do in life is based on faith. And we all put our faith in something. And what troubles me most as I go along in my Christian journey is that I see so many putting their faith in the people, places and things of a world that God Himself created and that won't be here forever. That's a huge concern for me. And rightly so because that was where I was B.C. (before Christ). And that is where I can go to this day if I'm not careful. In fact, as I write this blog, I am being constantly barraged with the need to trust myself over God. It is a moment by moment struggle that can only be overcome by prayer and trust in the Holy Spirit's leading as I think and type and revise and publish. It is this kind of struggle, along with all the others, that I need Jesus. So, I am grateful for that which keeps my head from swelling (I once heard that tears keep your head from swelling! I like that because I embrace the act of crying when it's necessary). I don't take any kind of writing or speaking lightly anymore, which makes it harder to pop out blogs or have a conversation with others. I now know my words impact others for either the better or the worse. That makes the responsibility of speaking and writing look alot different to me these days, let me tell ya! My prayer is that my words, whether verbal or written, will breathe life, not death into others. Here's my testimony......

For years, I chose to only put my faith in people, places and things. They were my gods and they failed me miserably. When I got sober in 2001 through the help of AA, I learned how to put my faith in something bigger. As soon as I got to the 3rd step of the 12 steps, I declared my Higher Power to be God. I didn't understand who God really was. I had the typical picture in my head of some old guy with a flowing gray beard who lived in the sky and who was harsh. That had always been my experience with God. What was important was that I somewhat got that He might be bigger than me and could actually help me through a life long problem. And that was about all I needed to know for the moment (my head probably would have exploded from TMI....too much information.... otherwise!). That's the beauty of any secular 12-step recovery program. They do not shove Jesus or any other belief down your throat. It's actually one of their rules and though God has since led me to a Christian-based recovery group, I can now say I am grateful for this kind of approach. In recovery, there are many who have suffered at the hands of 'religious abusers'. Honestly, there are many outside of recovery who have suffered from this kind of abuse. But then, hurt people hurt people. And there are many hurt people out there.

I was so hungry for the truth and so I continued to seek it. I called myself a 'truth seeker' because, at the time, I followed the philosophy of the Unity School of Thought. I am grateful for this time in my life because the lack of stability my faulty beliefs offered was what caused me to keep on ruthlessly seeking out the God's truth. I always had questions and doubts about certain things I learned and now I know it was because the things Unity taught me were only half truths. There was never any kind of real certainty like I have now in the truth contained in the Gospel. Even so, Unity was a stepping stone to something better. This persistence led me to a Christian sponsor who turned me over to her Christian counselor, Dr. Gene Allen. Little did I know that Dr. Allen would be used to bring me out of my own bondage.

I met Dr. Allen in 2002 and though I was clean and sober, I was still what they call a 'dry drunk'. My belief system was messed up and needed an adjustment. I was desperate for relief from the pain that only Jesus could heal. At this point in my life, I didn't care if my 'ugly feet' were exposed or not. I needed help and boldly asked for it. My vunerabilities were clearly showing and it didn't matter anymore. I just wanted the peace in my life that AA, Unity teachings, nature, my sponsor, food, money, jobs, Duane, Mackenzie, friends, family, books, music.......the world as a whole failed to offer. When I met with Dr. Allen that first time, he said something to me I will never forget. He said, "I will stay with you until we get to the other side." I didn't really know what the 'other side' was. But somehow, I knew in my heart that this man I hardly knew was making a firm commitment to me to 'wash my nasty feet' until they were clean and ready for service. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I chose to trust him anyway. You have to know that though I claimed to call God my Higher Power, I really didn't know God like I thought I did. I did not believe the only way to God was through Jesus. That was way too narrow of a belief for me. That's why I embraced the teachings of Unity so much. They seemed more kinder and gentler and I now know God used Unity to meet my needs at the time. You see, I considered my spirituality to be like a buffet of sorts where I was free to pick and choose what I wanted and leave the rest. I wanted to make God into something more palletable and easy to digest. I didn't care for all the 'do's and don'ts' as I had grown up with that sort of thing in my childhood church. I grew up believing that going to church and singing and praying and serving and all that was merely a duty I was expected to carry out or else I would go to hell. I didn't understand that doing these things were things done as a response to the love Jesus wanted to give to me. My understanding was that if I didn't perform, I didn't get loved. I didn't know love. I didn't know Jesus. So, I searched for it like everyone does because it is what we were created for. And like many, my beliefs about what love looked like were skewed. I didn't realize that there was such as thing as grace and truth which, when viewed in the context of Christianity, is what allows a person to live the way God intended. I wanted God to be who I wanted Him to be without anyone telling me otherwise. No rules for me. I wanted to be wild and free and ironically..... healthy at the same time. What I failed to see (and still struggle with at times) is that placing myself under God's loving and time-tested authority was what would bring me the kind of health I was looking for....the kind that only Jesus' love can enable. I was highly resistant to any form of authority. I wanted to be in charge of me, despite the fact that doing so was what had landed me in therapy, rehab, AA and finally..... Dr. Allen's office. My problem was that I was unwilling to accept God for who I now know He really is. My lips literally could not utter the name 'Jesus'. It was too weird for me. It made me sick. I didn't want to join the 'Jesus freak brigade', even though I was beginning to think there might be something to all this Jesus stuff. After all, I had read all the books......tried all the different stuff and nothing had worked for me. Even AA, which I thought was the pinacle of recovery, wasn't cutting the mustard. I sensed that there had to more. Being the god of my own universe was no longer working for me anymore.

Dr. Allen clearly saw this. And with the Holy Spirit's guidance, he loved me through the next year. I am certain he and many others prayed for my salvation. I know this because of all the opposition I came up against that year. You see, I've since learned that opposition comes on strong when someone is about to break free from Satan's army to fight the good fight. And biblical prayer is the simple but powerful weapon which we use to help ourselves and others break free from the strongholds of life. This fight, which will continue until Jesus returns, is called spiritual warfare and there was alot of that going on during this time. For one, we were too broke to rightly pay Dr. Allen what his services were worth so that I could visit with him weekly. But, rather than cast me aside, Dr. Allen agreed to accept $5 per month for our weekly visits! My mind came under vicious attack. I remember constantly wondering when the strings I thought were attached to such generosity would begin to jerk me to and fro like the puppet I had grown up to believe I was. It never happened and I didn't know what to do with such unconditional love. It was very foreign to me. I think at one point, I even unfairly accused Dr. Allen of being manipulative and concerned only about making money or something like that. I remember being suspicious. But, Dr. Allen's focus was not to make money, enable or control. His focus was to merely be a reflection of Jesus' love by selflessly ministering to one very lost soul. I remember there being lots of tears shed that year. I remember quitting yet another (good) job because I was too depressed to work. I remember the days of leaving his office exhausted because of all the denial and striving I continuously gave myself over to. I was literally surrendering to the enemy because that was all I ever knew. It was comfortable to me yet....I was so tired. And everyone who knew the truth saw it, except me. I was making myself out to be a fool and didn't even know it! Yet, those who saw my foolishness loved me all the same. And still.....I didn't get it. My own selfish pride refused to allow me to believe in the One who could give me rest for my worn out soul if only I would surrender to God's will for my life. And Dr. Allen? He never gave up on me. He just kept on patiently washing my dirty feet, even as I stubbornly and childishly continued to slosh through the mud that year. I didn't really understand this, but you better believe I was taking notes!

It was a meditation that finally brought me face to face with my Savior. Some within the Christian circles might call another Christian using a New Age mediation technique to help someone come to know Jesus as 'unorthodox'. My response to that is to look up Romans 8:28 which says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". What that says to me is that God is bigger than we think and can use anything and anyone to bring one of his lost sheep back to the fold...even things that seem 'unorthodox'. I believe I am a testament to this fact because God used lots of people, places and things to bring me back to Him. I love that there is nothing He can't do! I had to write this as a note to self because.......it's easy to forget this.

Dr. Allen appealed to my love of this particular discipline and asked me to recall a favorite activity and a favorite place. My mind took me back to Kerrville, Texas when, after my mother died, my best friend at the time took me with her to her grandparents home on a ranch. We spent our days riding horses through dry creek beds and over grassy fields. It was a great time for me because it helped me find a form of hope when I thought I had none. And so, it was during this guided meditation on the back of a white horse named Purity where I met Jesus for the first time. He was sitting peacefully under a tree waiting patiently for me. And then I ran. I met him, but I had yet to accept him. He scared me somewhat. I suppose it was was his light contrasting with my darkness that made looking at Him uncomfortable....kind of like when you open the curtains of a dark room and experience the blinding light of the sun. I experienced the blinding light of the Son and shielded my hurting eyes. Even so, I was curious.

I left Dr. Allen's office that day knowing that I now had a chance anytime I wanted to revisit this man everyone thought was so great that they called him God. Jesus had my attention now like a potential lover garners the attention of wooing female. And I jumped on my horse and returned. And so it was in the fall of 2003....the inevitable finally happened. I went back to the place I saw Jesus sitting under that tree and this time.....I didn't run away. I urged Purity toward the spot where Jesus was waiting for me. When I was close enough, my horse stopped. I remember sensing something trying to come between Jesus and myself....something very subtle. Now I know it was the veil that is spoken of in the bible....the one that tore in half when Jesus died on the cross for the sins of mankind! I remember Jesus boldly walking through the veil in order to join me on the horse named Purity. And in that moment, I let Jesus in and we consumated our union. I knew the truth. I got it. I understood what was meant by the verse in John 14:6 that says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Without Jesus, there would always be a veil separating me and God. But, with Jesus....the veil was lifted and I was free to approach this once distant 'old man in the sky'. Boy, did I have alot to learn! ( I laugh now when I think of that old stereotype of mine).

In this great moment of salvation came a humbleness I cannot describe. I finally understood that God is God and I am not. That is the realization for all who wait on Jesus. And it's wonderful. There is nothing more liberating! I later joined River City Community Church, where I 'sealed the deal' by saying a simple prayer with another believer to confess my sin of unbelief, receive the forgiveness that comes only from Jesus' death on the cross and ask Him to fill me with His Holy Spirit which He left behind for those who choose to believe in Him and in His holy resurrection. The prayer included the scripture in Romans 10:9 which says, "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Finally, I could say, "Jesus" and not feel the vomit rise to the top of my throat. Finally, I was saved and destined for a life of eternity with God forever. I knew where I was going for once in my life. There were no questions about it. There are no questions about it today, either. I have an assurance and peace about my future regardless of my circumstances, which can be pretty trying at times....but which are part of life whether one is a believer or not. How much better is it to endure those hard times with One who can lead you better than you can? I have this all because I let someone 'wash my feet'! I truly let go and let God.

This was my story....my experience. This is not everyone's experience for everyone is different and Jesus knows how to reach people right where they are at. That's what I love about Him!

The story doesn't end there because at about this same time, another (his)story was in the making......which is definitely worth sharing.

My husband, Duane, had hit his own personal bottom and decided to check out a local church (the same one mentioned above and the one which our family chose to 'grow up in'). It was there that he humbly allowed others to wash his own 'dirty feet'. Duane, for those who don't know, considered himself agnostic. He didn't even believe there was a God! He believed that when he died, the lights went out and that was all there was to it. No hope. Hitting bottom brought him to his knees. He had no where else to go except up, which was into God's loving arms. And God led him to this church where Duane allowed people to pray over him and where he made the choice to make Jesus his personal Lord and Savior. No one else could have done this for him except a God who loves those who humbly admit their need for a good old fashioned foot washing. That's just how it works. When all else fails and you have come to the end of yourself, Jesus finds YOU (that's so that He can get the credit.....not you). But, He doesn't find you without some help. He sends out his disciples (his foot washers) to help him out. That's the Christian way of life.

Surrendering our lives to Jesus' foot washing ministry has completely changed our entire family into the people we are today. Mackenzie eventually saw what her parents and everyone else had and wanted it, too. In the summer of 2004, she made the choice to recieve Jesus into her heart during a week at Vacation Bible School. As the bible states, we are new creations in Christ. Our old selves have passed away. We have access to hope, freedom, peace, love, joy, and all the things one desires for a life well lived. Everyday, we have a choice as to whether we will tap into the source of these things or not. If we choose to plug into Jesus' brand of energy, we get to enjoy God's Kingdom now. We get to live our lives victoriously. We get to live out loud! And we have hope beyond the circumstances of our lives. When (not if) we come to the end of our lives, we have a place to call home, which is heaven. And when we get there, we can say what we've always wanted to say here on earth, "I HAVE ARRIVED!!!" THIS is what Christians put their hope in when the circumstances look bleak, which is a given if we are to be realistic about the world we live in. We know that this world, with all it's problems and pain, is not all there is. We know we are just 'passing through'. We put our hope in Jesus and the promises He makes in the bible. Are we perfect? Not while we are living here on earth. We groan and ache for that which we were created for.....perfection in Christ. We long for the day when we will be reunited in heaven with the God who created us.....when we will be given heavenly bodies that will never experience pain or sorrow ever again. And while we wait....we humbly keep on believing, receiving and pouring out that which has been graciously given to us. With Jesus' help, we live, we grow. And when we inevitably stumble, Jesus is there to help us get up and keep walking on the feet He supplied for us. Will we get weary? Yes. And so we humble ourselves, take off our sandals and let Jesus wash our feet so that we ourselves are equipped to go out and wash the feet of those who are just as weary.

"We are mere beggars telling other beggars where to find food."

~taken from commentary on John 1:19-28 about John the Baptist in the Life Recovery Bible (NLT)~

Cement Shoes

2007-10-02T09:04:00.000-05:00

Today, I feel as if I am wearing cement shoes. I've worn these same shoes several times before in the past. Perhaps you know the kind of shoes I am talking about. They are the kind that keep people stuck. The ruts in life contain many cement shoe-wearing individuals. And there's all kind of ruts. Food ruts. Job ruts. Exercise ruts. Relational ruts. Ministry ruts. Mental ruts. Spriritual ruts.

I hate these shoes. I woke up this morning wearing them. In fact, I went to bed last night wearing them. I don't even know why I put them on! Perhaps, I've found comfort in them. False comfort. Perhaps I've forgotten how nice it feels to go to bed lightfooted. Why would I want to shod my feet with such heaviness? Where did I go wrong here?

It was a challenge trying to pray while wearing them this morning. I didn't even know what to say to God because I was so focused on their heaviness rather than on Him. Even when He asked me to take them off and put on the lighter ones He gave me, I didn't hear Him. I was too busy admiring the gray color and weighty feel of the ones Satan handed me last night.....this morning? Not sure. When did he do this? Does it really matter? The point was.....I forgot about my boundaries. There is a weakeness....a chink in my walls somewhere. And rather than allow Jesus to tear down and rebuild.....I allowed the chink to remain. And so, I let myself receive something harmful from my enemy who hates me because I love Jesus. I know I heard God tell me to keep moving....keep running toward the prize...even though the shoes tried to prevent me from doing so. So.....I did. I suited up and got moving (barely) with some exercise. Honestly, I felt like I was going in slow motion. You can only imagine how difficult it was to run on the treadmill while wearing such heavy shoes. It could have been much easier had I chosen to listen to my Father. But I wanted to do things my way. And so, He let me experience the consequences like any loving father would do. I was exhausted and didn't enjoy my run like I normally do. And now.......I'm attempting to write something while wearing these stupid shoes. It's not easy. Things aren't flowing as they usually do. I'm not particuarly enjoying this time on my blog like I usually do. I'm going through the motions. Those dumb shoes stole my joy! Ugly shoes. Clodhoppers! Who gave them to me anyhow? Oh right....that guy. Why am I even wearing them???? They don't even match the new clothes God gave me to wear when I made the decision long ago to make Jesus my Lord and Savior. I guess I forgot who I was following. I guess I've been a bit stubborn. I guess I've tried to be in charge. Darn it!

Sorry, Dad. Forgive me. Take these horrid shoes. They are a burden to me and everyone else I love. I'm so tired. Please take them and burn them. I don't want to wear them anymore. They are useless! Would you bring me the other ones you were so kind to give me? I'm sorry I turned my nose up on your loving generosity. I guess my pride got in the way.... again. You have always known what was best for me. Thanks for always looking out for me. Thanks for being so patient. I don't understand that sometimes, but I guess you don't expect me to. I'm glad. I love you! And thank you for always covering me when I have to 'get naked' in order to change back into the clothes you gave me! I'm glad that that didn't have to happen this time. I'm glad it was only the shoes I had to change. I know there is no need to be ashamed. When I am.....it is because I am naked with sin and am avoiding your covering....your changing room. But I have peace in knowing that in order to change......I gotta get naked! I gotta surrender and let go of all inhibitions. And I can do that in front of you now.....without guilt.....without embarrasment....without the fig-leaf stickiness of shame. You provided me with the animal skins of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross so that I can wear clothes that are much more comfortable and efficient. Why would I ever want to wear something different except the royal garments you gave me? It's like choosing second-hand Goodwill duds over finely made Ralph Lauren couture! What was I thinking, anyhow?? You love me and provide for me like no one can. And for that.....I am eternally grateful! Thank you, Father God! You're awesome!

Help me always to remember your wisdom for it is what keeps me alive. Your Word.....your loving expression .....your son Jesus is my rock. He is the reason I can change without shame. Thank you for the provisions (which are too numerous to list) that only He can bring to my life. You have shown me once again through my own meloncholy that without Him leading me.....I am lost. So help me remember your words today......

"Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all the strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For the shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occassion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

~Ephesians 6:11-18 (NLT)~

Indiana

2007-09-18T16:23:00.000-05:00

I've been reading ( or attempting to read here and there when I can) this great book by John Ortberg called, "The Life You've Always Wanted". It's been on my reading list for a while and God finally opened the doors for me to read it when I found it in the member's $5 section at Family Christian Bookstore. That was my cue to add it to the library. So.....I finally started to read it and came upon the part that talked about joy. Joy is something I struggle with alot. I tend to be more on the serious side and so.....joy is not something I come by naturally. And as I've gone along in my Christian walk, I've discovered that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Happiness comes from our circumstances, which is never a guarantee. Joy comes from an inner strength within and with Christ, is a guarantee (hence more reason I don't come by it naturally!). It's one of the character traits the Holy Spirit gives those who put their faith in Jesus (Galations 5:22-23). And though I have it in me now, I don't always choose to tap into it. But, I'm learning. And one of the ways I'm learning is by reading great books like Ortberg's and applying what I learn.

He talked about kids and how most of them are naturally joyful. That's why we adults could stand to learn alot from them. I know I could, but often bully along in life's frantic pace without stopping to learn from their uninhibited approach to life. And the older I get, the more I get farther away from such joyful pursuits like spontaneity, silliness and repetition. I mention repetition because Ortberg mentioned how kids often say to us, "Do it again". For example, we may make a funny face and make our kids roll with laughter. They love it so much, their natural response is, "Do it again." We adults might roll our eyes, do it again and then say, "Ok, that's enough. I've got dinner to make or bills to pay or whatever. But, kids insist. And then what happens? We get impatient with their need to be in relationship with us and tell them to go on and find something to do. We miss out. At least I know I have with Mackenzie many times. And sadly, I regret that sometimes.....especially knowing that her 'do it again' moments are fading fast as she gets older.

But, God reminded me of a recent 'do it again' moment that allowed me to tap into God's gift of joy within. Mackenzie, Duane and I were wrapping up a game of Monopoly one evening. Mackenzie had noticed that the only property left over was 'Indiana Avenue'. When Duane asked which one was left, she said in a silly tone of voice, 'Indiana'. Her comidic timing was perfect and we all laughed. And like kids do, she kept saying it. She did it again. And instead of telling her my standard, "Ok.....that's enough now. It's getting old. Knock it off", I began parrotting back to her the same word. We both giggled like little school girls. I felt like one. And we kept 'doing it again and again'. We could sense Duane's irritation, but we continued.....like children do. And the harder we tried to stop, the funnier it got. It reminded me of all the times, as a youth, I sat in church with my friends and tried desperately to stifle giggles over something we found amusing. And I now know that God was not irritated with us. Rather, he was joyful over watching our natural joy. And God was not irriated with Mackenzie and I's rather 'childish ways'. He was laughing right alongside us.....probably saying, "Indiana" in a funny voice, too!

Godtube

2007-09-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

I am learning how to include links in my blogs. I hope this works.

I just received an email with a link to something called, "Godtube". The link was to this very incredible skit about how much Jesus loves us, what it looks like to be in step with Him and what happens when we allow the enemy to 'cut in' on our dance. It touched me very deeply and I cried when I saw it. It made me think about how often God must cry when we get distracted and beaten down like this girl in the skit. Here it is.......powerful visual, indeed......

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

Staying in the Habit (of writing)

2007-09-11T16:36:00.000-05:00

This post is more of an update of sorts. And...it's an attempt to get in at least 1 day of writing in! I have been so busy with just school starting alone. Plus.....our church is doing a thing called, 'The Event' all this week. A guy by the name of Ken Freeman has been the guest speaker and his speaking style is incredible! His testimony is even more incredible! http://www.kenfreemanministries.com/ It's hard to imagine someone who grew up like he did could be transformed into the person he is today. But, that's Jesus for you!

Tonight, I will be joining my Tuesday night group to hear another incredible testimony from a woman who is a gifted writer, speaker and artist. From what I understand, she is an awesome painter. She's also paralyzed from the neck down! Her name is Joni Eraekson Tada. I have always wanted to read some of her books, but because I always have some kind of book (or I should say numerous books) going at one time....I decided to pray about adding one of her books to my stack. God answered my prayers with something better......hearing her speak in person! So, I am really looking forward to this evening!

Update on my 'publishing pursuit'........I am tweaking the story so that it will be magazine ready (it was blog ready before.......probably a bit too casual to send on to a magazine!). From what I have seen from the magazine's website, I simply need to email it to them. I didn't notice anything about a cover letter being required.......which is fine by me! So, now I just need to finish polishing it.......and then send the thing.

Well......until next time!

Life After the Break

2007-09-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

I had always worried I would knock over one of these stoic, yet fragile figures while cleaning the house. And today, it happened. And I was at peace with it.

I was at peace with it because God spoke to me in the midst of this death. He reminded me of how far I'd come from my old days of black and white thinking when I would focus only on the rules and not so much on the relationships. He reminded me of how my once pharisiacal ways had been traded for Jesus' loving ways. Don't get me wrong....there was still a twinge of grief as I stared down at this beheaded little fellow. But, God reminded me that my grief was normal. Letting go of something I had loved and cherished for so long wasn't easy. God reminded me of my own humaness. And he showed me that like this little plastic and hollow man, I used to look similar both inside and out before Jesus came along.

The Good News is that, despite the brokeness, the statue could come back to life and be enjoyed in a new and improved way if I would allow it. His head could be glued back on, he could rise again and he could join his other 2 companions (who look quite lonely and lost without him, btw) if I would just use the right kind of glue.

For me, Jesus is the right kind of glue. Many times over, He has had to repair my broken mind, heart and soul. He has had to repair my broken body. He has had to repair broken relationships. He has done this because He loves me. He has done this because I have let Him. Without Him, I am a broken, dirty, empty mess with no hope for a future. But with Him, I am a beautiful alabaster jar filled with a sweet smelling perfume which is meant to be poured out as a blessing to others and which will be credited as righteousness both here and in heaven. What I do now will matter later.

"a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table....Jesus...said, "When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

~Matthew 26: 7, 12-13 NIV~

Asking for Directions

2007-09-05T16:16:00.000-05:00

Before I write, I pray. I ask for guidance and direction in my writing and for blessings upon whoever reads it. I have learned that writing, like most everything else I do, becomes much more meaningful when I do it for God rather than for me. There are no surprises when I approach things this way. So it came as no surprise when the draft I had prepared for today's blog suddenly became destined for other things. My friend, DeAnn, unexpectedly called me as I was preparing to hit the 'publish post' button. Before I gave this story over to Blogspot.com, I asked if I could read her my draft in the hopes that she might grace me with that wonderful gift of encouragement of hers. Her response was more than I bargained for. She suggested I pray about submitting this particular story to a popular Christian publication. I didn't even resist when she planted the idea in my heart. I knew in the moment that God was asking me to step out of my blog-shaped boat and walk on the unknown. He was calling me to do something I had always wanted to do, but never did because I had become comfortable with my usual routine of blogging. Don't get me wrong..... I still intend to blog, God willing! It's just that in answer to my long time prayers regarding how God wants me to use writing to fulfill His purpose, I have to listen up , obey and see what happens. Nothing may happen. Everything may happen. I don't really know what the end result will be. It's none of my business. It's God's. My part is simply to embrace the process....enjoy the process..... pray, act, trust. I have prayed. I have acted. I have trusted. And today, I have been given what I've asked for: direction. I have prayed again (with DeAnn over the phone today) and now it's time to act again, trust again and continuing praying....again.

So, the 'publish post' button remains untouched for today's story. Let's see what happens!

Victory

2007-08-31T07:36:00.000-05:00

"A person who has a right relationship with God lives a life as natural as breathing wherever he goes. The lives that have been the greatest blessing to you are the lives of those people who themselves were unaware of having been a blessing."

~Excerpted from "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers~

That's what I want to be like. Yet, everyday is a struggle. The 'P' word (pride) always seems to get in the way. And instead of breathing, I choke. Instead of being a blessing, I become a curse. That is my sinful nature.

But, I refuse to allow my daily mistakes to keep me in defeat. Jesus gave me victory when He laid His life down on the cross for my sins. In Him, I am forgiven and am given a chance to get it right the next time. My hope is in Him and Him alone. To choose to live like a loser because someone says I am is a slap in Jesus' face. And I won't do that to someone I love. He teaches me not to. And for that, I am grateful. I am victorious!

"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

~1 Corinthians 15: 56-57~

Giving Receving Giving Receiving Giving.....

2007-08-28T08:28:00.001-05:00

Back in the saddle again. School started and with the new school year comes more adjustments in mine and my family's schedule. May not be able to blog as much as I like, but that's ok. I know it will all work out the way God wants it to.

"You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure. 'For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.'

~2 Corinthians 9:7 ~

That was the scripture that my eyes fell upon during my quiet time this morning and which I have been meditating upon. In fact, God is so awesome in the sense that He gave me inspiration through that scripture for what to blog about todayAND something to do a scrapbook page and/or album on (how cool is that????). I've been investigating something called 'faithbooking' lately. I had heard about it a while back and even considered signing up for the class at the scrapbook store I visit sometimes. But...the idea kind of went away for a bit. And then when Mackenzie and I were at Barnes and Noble the other day, I found a book on the subject. I found so many cool ideas in that book (see pictures above of my latest creation inspired by that book.... it's a 'He said/She Said' prayer and response tag book....perhaps I'll talk more about it on another day). My church is even having a 'Faithbooking' class coming up next month (hmmmm....is God trying to tell me something?).

ANYWAYS....... (sorry about the bunny trail.......I do that sometimes....well, alot actually).........that scripture made me think about giving and about what that means for me. Here's the deal: Some days......I don't want to give anything. And that's hard to admit. But, it's true. I'd be a liar, otherwise. The truth is that some days......all I can give is a smile. And God says, according to 2 Corinthians 9:7, that my smile is enough for the moment as long as it is given willingly. I once told a friend of mine who was struggling with giving that we are to give what we can and celebrate that success.....then build on it. And God will always give us more opportunities to build upon those foundations by giving to others if we're open to them. He isn't interested in gifts with strings. He just wants pure hearts. That's what the above scripture says to me. And so......I was inspired to make a list of all the ways I can give to another. These can also be things I can receive, too. Giving/receiving....then giving back what I've received. Good stuff.

Here's some ideas....hope it inspires and encourages you as much as it did me!

Smile

Encouraging word

The Truth

Prayer

Kindness

Patience

Lesson

Money

Time

Practical help

Assistance

Talents/gifts

Food

Rebuke

A Listening Ear

A Shoulder to Cry On

Advice

Peace

Joy

Love

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

Energy

Our Example

Hospitality

Honesty

An Opportunity to Serve and be Useful

Good Attitude

Appreciation

Gratitude

A 2nd Chance

Trust

Forgiveness

Boldness

2007-08-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

I came to an interesting realization yesterday. It goes something like this...

Blogging, I have discovered, has brought me out of my shell in terms of writing and having a voice. I have become bolder. In the blogging world, I can say what I think, believe, feel and no one can stand in front of me physcially and shut me down. Yes...this is an issue with me and I am making small progress. Part of that progress involves me transferring my writing from a spiral notebook and/or a Microsoft Word document to the internet. I've somewhat come out of hiding. Never thought I would be doing this! When I blog.....I feel empowered to do something I've never felt able to do before: SPEAK UP!! It's quite liberating!

Now here's the other side of it...

As I mentioned, I have major issues with saying what's on my mind. Always have. I could spend an hour going on about why that is, but the truth is that it won't do any good. I've already realized the sources of this issue and am ready to stop blaming and start doing something about it. That's partly why I blog. You see, I admit that in the 'real world', I'm not as bold. In fact, it's safe to say that I'm not as honest as I'd like to think I am (ouch). I tend to be more quiet in the presence of those who aren't and who don't have a problem speaking their minds. I don't like 'rocking the boat' much. And I'm not ok with that anymore, though I used to be. Avoiding any kind of conflict used to be my brand of 'peace'. To a certain extent, it still can be. I don't want to be disliked......don't want to be abandoned.....don't want to be rejected......don't want to be challenged. And that's no longer ok with me, either. Jesus says that being a Christian means being 'ok' with all these things. He says to be peacemakers......not peacekeepers. There's a difference. Here's some progress.....I've learned to sit through people's opinions (because everyone has them), but when I don't agree......I've learned to quietly disagree in my mind. And, I have to say that there have been some times when my quiet disagreement comes out of my mouth! But, that is few and far between for me. Perhaps, that's just the way I was wired. To be a 'shout it on the rooftops kind of person' like Paul was in the bible isn't me in person (yet?). I'd like to think I'm more like Mary who quietly enjoyed sitting at Jesus' feet while her sister Martha loudly protested about the unfairness of having to do all the work. Both women had good qualitities. Martha was bold in a loud kind of way and Mary was bold in a quiet kind of way. I don't know. What I do know is that I am changing (slowly) and allowing God to show me different ways to morph out of my cocoon and take my stand, such as through this blog. So for now, I'll keep my eyes on Him and just keep writing! Thanks for giving me this blog, God! :)

Here's To Good (Spiritual) Health!

2007-08-23T08:49:00.000-05:00

Before I sat down to write this piece, I thought about yesterday's post on simmering. In particular, I thought about how I had stated that I wanted today's post to 'taste good.' I retract that statement. What I was led to write about today may not taste very good. In fact, it might come across as bitter. Bitter truth that is hard to swallow. My aim today is not to make you feel good. My aim today is to feed you something that will nourish your soul, whether it tastes good or not (think spinach for all of you who aren't too fond of this particular super food).

We live in a world that is all about pleasure. We want what we want when we want it. And we usually want it NOW. The philosophy goes that if it makes us feel bad, it probably isn't good and we probably should avoid it like the plague. We have learned to run from our pain in a vain search for a form of comfort that will only bring us death and destruction. Look around us.......there is a cure for everything that feels bad. If you're shy or stressed out, have a drink. If you're having a bad day, eat. How about if you think you have to have that brand new fall wardrobe that all the celebrities are wearing this season? Charge it.

Alcoholism, eating disorders, spending addictions and the like. The list goes on. This is what is all around us. I see it daily because I've lived most of these things and more. And I've finally found the solution to this big problem of looking to people, places and things for my relief. It's called Jesus. He is the source I run to for comfort these days. There's nothing better.

I spent many years trusting in my feelings and not in the facts. If it felt bad, I didn't want any part of it. The truth is this: Feelings change. Facts don't. When I finally learned the facts in God's truth (the bible), I grieved. I grieved the pain of letting go of all that I once thought was real. There are still places that I grieve, but the sadness is not so severe anymore. The denial I once lived has passed away. I am learning to accept the facts as they are.....that God is God and I am not. But with this acceptance comes a peace I have never known before. And because of this, I have learned to love even the healthy stuff that doesn't always taste as good as the other stuff.

PS......this former spinach hater has made that luscious leafy green veggie a staple on her grocery list! Yes.....things CAN change if you are open to it! :)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

~John 8:32~

Just Simmering

2007-08-22T13:42:00.000-05:00

Dallas was great. The wedding we attended was beautiful and the reception was a blast (Duane and I even got to do a little 'rug cuttin'). We were able to catch up with family and enjoy some 'get away' time before the rush of the new school year hits us on......gulp.......Monday. It is, as always.....good to be home.

I keep a "Just Write Inspiration" journal close by whenever I get ideas on things to blog about, which...with my ADD brain..... is usually all the time. This morning, I couldn't stop the flow of ideas. They were coming to me even as I was in the midst of my morning run on my treadmill. And, I couldn't very well stop every 5 minutes to write them down......I would have kinda missed the whole point of doing a 'cardio workout'. Don't get me wrong.....I'm not complaining about the abundance of inspiration that God graciously provides for me each day. I do, however, struggle with deciding on what He specifically asks me to write about. It is very important to me to try and write what He wants.....not just what I want. That's often a hard one to figure, though. And here's why: I'm impatient. So.....I've decided to do as my therapist suggested yesterday and just simmer. Sit on my ideas for a bit. Let them cook slowly so that all the spices come together and I have a better (tasting) idea of what I should write about. I don't consider myself a great cook, but I'm learning. All the same.......patience isn't one of my strong suits, but I'm learning. So hopefully, whatever I finally write about will be nourishing to the soul and a joy to the tastebuds!

Out of Town

2007-08-16T22:03:00.001-05:00

Will be leaving for Dallas tommorrow morning and hope to be banging away on this keyboard by next week sometime!

Love God...Love Myself...Love Others

2007-08-16T10:20:00.000-05:00

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 23:37-39 NLT).

The scripture above reminds me of a wonderful childhood moment. I remember when I was a little girl and my big brother gave me a Christmas present. It was the size of a moving box and it was wrapped up in green foil paper. I could hardly stand the anticpation. "What could possibly be in there?" I wondered. When it was time to open gifts, I immediately made a beeline for the big box. To my delight, it was filled to the top with toys! There was PlayDo, Silly Putty, Barbies and pretty much anything else a little girl of the 70's would love. It was essentially one big gift with alot of little ones inside. I was one happy little lady and I have very warm and wonderful memories of that day.

I believe God does that with us. He offers us the big gift of Salvation and then reveals more gifts as we go along in our Christian walk. Without the gift of salvation and all that goes with it, though, we miss out. For me, Matthew 23:37-39 explains how to receive the big gift, all the smaller gifts, AND how to give gifts to others with a pure and loving spirit.

Matthew 23:37-39 is one of my favorites. I suppose I fell in love with it because it simplifies the seemingly complicated things that God asks of us in the bible. There's ALOT and for someone like me who gets overwhelmed very easily......I need simple. Of course, there really is nothing simple about God. He is so vast in nature. BUT, through this scripture.....he shows mercy to those of us who have a hard time grasping how big He truly is. I love that about God. He knows just how to meet people right where they are at in life. Why? Because His greatest desire is to have a relationship with us.....to love and be loved.

So when I ponder this scripture about God's priorities for his people... I see it like this......

1) First, God asks us to have willing hearts that are soft enough to explore His ways. Essentially, He's asking us to stop trying to play God by dropping our pride. I had to do this by closing my mouth....opening my ears......and listening. Do I still try to play God? Every day! Pride is one of my biggest enemies and the noise factor is always a problem. God is constantly putting fore finger to lips and saying, "My darling........shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Quiet down for a bit. I have something wonderful to tell you! Do you want to hear what it is?"

2) When we are able to do this, then we are in a place where we can love Him with our souls by surrendering our entire life and will to Him. We believe Him. We trust Him. This is what it means to get saved....be born again.....turn our life over. Instead of continuing to give ourselves to the devil and his ways, we make the conscious choice to give ourselves fully to God and his ways. We make a complete 180. This is called repenting. We are once and for all saved from a life of eternity apart from God and from ourselves (hell). We get to enjoy all the cool stuff (gifts) from His Kingdom now AND forever! We know the truth and we are set free (enabled) to live as God wants us to (John 8:32).

3) Loving Him with all our minds is essentially doing what Phillipians 2:12 says....."continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling." My mind was a mess when I first got saved (and still is at times, especially when I stray from God and go my own way). I had many bad habits to break and rid myself of. I don't have time to list them all, but I will say that I am still working on this and will continue to work on this until I die (at least I hope I will!). I'm pretty passionate about this part of the scripture. For me, it's about recovery. I love recovery because it's all about recovering back that which Satan stole from me. It is through my thoughts that Satan tries to get me. When I believe the lies, I act out the lies. Not good. And I have to remember that it's about 'working out' rather than 'for' my salvation. I don't have to earn God or anyone else's love by proving myself, though I didn't get that in the beginning (that's part of what I'm trying to 'work out' right now). When I agreed to let Jesus be my Lord and Savior.....the debt was paid. Jesus picked up the tab with his costly death on the cross. My sins are covered in His blood. I am forgiven. And though His death looks and sounds messy (it should....it's a constant reminder to me of how much sin costs (a life)......it's expensive and that's why God hates it so much.), it's the way it had to be in order for me to have a shot at life. I am debt-free now. I don't have to kill myself to show God or others how valuable I am. God already knows this and through salvation, I am assured of this. Jesus' death was the ultimate gift with no strings attached. That whole concept is alot to take in at times, but by loving God with my mind......I am getting it more and more. Very cool. (Recommendation: See 'The Passion of the Christ'. That movie will give you a great visual of all this).

The second part of the scripture is loving our neighbors (which consists of others) as ourselves. There's a reason this part comes after the first three. Why would we try to put the cart before the horse by attempting to love others if we don't even understand how to love God or ourselves??? Because we falsely believe our back sides belong on the same pedastal that has only God's name on it. God is the ultimate expression of love and I am able to receive and give this away daily only through Jesus. I didn't know what that word meant when I first became a believer, though I thought I did. I thought I knew alot of things. And it was when I finally came to the end of myself that I realized how incredibly clueless I was about love. It was a very humbling experience. As I have traveled along my journey in Christ, however, I am coming to understand the meanings behind that word, "Love." It's a very interesting study and alot more in depth than most people realize. But, I now know that the only way it can truly be understood and experienced fully is in the context of Christianity. Some may disagree and even reject that fact. I once did, too. And I was a very confused person because of it. But now I know what true love is and no longer live life vainly searching for it in all the wrong places (like the old country song says). The search is over. I have found it in Christ.

So......with the big gift of salvation, I am free to receive and enjoy everything else that comes my way. My eyes are opened to the truth and I am enabled to do all that I was created by God to do, which is to love others as myself. And what's the ultimate prize??? A guaranteed spot in heaven where I can live forever with other believers and my one and only true love, Jesus Christ. That is alot to joyfully anticipate and to me, there is nothing more wonderful (not even a big box of toys).

Love God....Love myself.....Love others. Those are my priorities.

House Cleaning

2007-08-15T07:09:00.000-05:00

Last night during worship at my Celebrate Recovery meeting, we sang this awesome song by Bob Bennett called, "You're Welcome Here". The words really spoke to me. It was about Jesus knocking at the door to our hearts and what happens when we finally let Him in. Prior to singing that song, our worship leader said that often, we tend to hear His knock but only go as far as to look out the peephole and maybe.....crack the door open just a bit. We are too embarrassed and ashamed to open it all the way for fear that Jesus won't like what He sees......that somehow, the mess within the walls of our 'house' will be too much for Him to deal with. This beautiful song reminded, however, that Jesus doesn't operate that way. He waits patiently outside the door until we're ready to let Him in and then, when we finally let go of all the guilt and shame that has prevented us from welcoming Him in completely......He steps through the threshold ready to help us clean out each and every room (as our worship leader said.....Molly Maid Service has nothin' on Jesus!).

One of my messy rooms is currently being cleaned out and organized. It's been tough watching Jesus toss out all the stuff I've been holding onto for a long time. I kinda liked my stuff. I somehow believed it kept me safe. But, He's shown me little by little that it's harmful and clutters up the space that the Holy Spirit (that came to live in me in 2003) needs to do His thing.

I've been coming to terms with the fact that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. When I was first diagnosed, I fell into somewhat of a euphoric state. I was so relieved to finally put a name to my bad behavior (quitting things.....always feeling scattered......poor planning and time management skills....relationship issues.....frustration over never finishing what I'd started.....depression from all of the above...etc. This is a short list of the many things I'm discovering about my condition!). It was also wonderful to get on medication that allowed me to do things I had never done before (like focus and finish things.....have more energy, etc). But like most euphoric things......it subsided. And I was faced with myself and my condition once again. I never thought to educate myself. I don't know what I was thinking. So.....I hid behind the condition and used it as an excuse for why I did the silly things I did. When I would share with others that I had been diagnosed with ADD, most people didn't believe it. I have always been a very organized person for as long as I can remember (major list maker) and most people who know me......know this about me. I'm not usually hyper, though there are small subtleties that would indicate some restlessness. My husband, who knows me better than most, would be the first to tell you that I have had a problem. My own perfectionism, however, has masked most of my outward symptoms. And I have discovered that my constant need to compensate for something that has been with me for so long has worn me out completely. So, when I finally hit bottom the other night out of pure exhaustion and frustration........the light bulb came on. I opened the door and let Jesus back in to start helping me clean up the mess I'd made inside.

I've been doing alot of research on the subject and have learned alot. I don't have enough time to share all that I have discovered. Perhaps I can start that new blog I mentioned in an earlier post that focuses only on ADD (start something new????focusing???? Yikes. Might need to keep praying on that one! ha ha). I have gotten back to getting to bed on time....getting up early (5:00 am) and beginning my day with God in quiet time, making Him (not my blog or my to do lists) my first priority. Exercise comes next because that is a way for me to love and care for myself and then after that......everything else. I am learning to manage that which I have no control over.......that which I cannot change. And I have a new sense of hope for my life today. My ADD, like many other diseases, will never go away. There's no cure. I have to accept that fact......allow Jesus to help me carry this burden and learn how to manage. I'm not a victim. There are no excuses. There is no one to blame. It is what it is, as Duane likes to say. And I am grateful for this trial because it keeps me humble. It reminds me that God is God and I'm not. It reminds me that, like the song last night said.....my house is known by the company I keep. Jesus, welcome back!

Getting Inspired

2007-08-13T10:14:00.000-05:00

My best writing is inspired from my relationships with others......not when I choose to hole up in my house away from others in the hopes of 'becoming inspired' by I don't know what. That's when I find myself striving too hard to write something...ANYTHING! I'm usually very exhausted when I'm done and what comes out of my restless heart sounds hollow and just plain, 'blah'.

It's when I get out in life and participate in it that God always gives me something cool to muse about in my writing. That's kind of the deal, I guess, between Him and me regarding my writing gift. Not that He gives gifts with strings attached. That's not how God operates. He is an unconditional God who freely gives unconditional love to anyone who wants it. One of the ways He loves me is by giving me a passion to write. And way before I ever began my seriously committed relationship (my marriage) to Him, he allowed me to write. My writing, though, was mostly selfish in nature. All I cared about was writing about whatever I wanted when I wanted, even if it meant hurting another either intentionally or unintentionally. I had no relationship with God and so, I could have cared less where my gift came from or why I was supposed to use it. I just wanted to make my point or get famous or indulge in my own thoughts. When I came to know Him and decided to follow His leadership, things slowly began to change. I found myself writing less about me and more about God and how great He was. When I was at my last church, I was asked to write for their newsletter. It was a honor and scary at the same time. I did it consistently for a while as a part of the newsletter ministry team but then stepped awayf from it. I was asked to sporadically write articles even after that. But, I could sense myself backing away from committing myself to something like this. I was even asked to consider participating in the church's letter writing ministry, where I would write to and encourage our missionary partners in various countries around the world. I 'prayed about it', but never went in that direction (again....probably was too much of a commitment I didn't want submit myself to). Sometimes, I regret that. I suppose when a fellow sister in Christ pulled out one of my old newsletter articles that I had written and told me that she carries it everywhere she goes because it inspired and encouraged her so much was when I began to really get it. God wanted me to write stuff that inspired, encouraged and challenged others. And when I popped out a fictional story about a little horse trough and his relationship with a guy named J.C. and read it to my small group and other close friends who enthusiastically encouraged me to keep writing was when I got the picture even more. God told me through these experiences that it was time to take my writing to the next level.....to quit hiding behind my journals and all my fears and really start putting my stuff out there. That was hard to do, considering I feared all that goes with doing such a thing (criticism, judgement, rejection, abandonment, the big 'C WORD'). I prayed about it for months, asking God to show me what 'the next level' looked like. And finally......he gave me this blog.

So, my commitment has been made to just write and keep writing in this blog until God gives me further instructions. I don't know who reads this stuff on a daily basis and God says, 'Don't worry about it. Just write.' He loves me and I love Him. My aim is to please the one I love. Bless and be blessed! That's how it works for me.

The Allure of Novelty

2007-08-10T13:51:00.001-05:00

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to novelty. The clues are evident in my life. I love to shop (though I've tried real hard to deny this several times). I like bright, shiny and new. I like things that add color and excitement to my life. I like variety and lots of choices. I'm also intrigued by stuff that's off the beaten path......the unusual......the non-mainstream. I get bored easily....always have. As a writer, if it's said one way, I think I can devise a better way to say it. I love paraphrases (which, as a Christian, can get in the way of taking and understanding God's word as it was originally written). The process of reaching a goal seems way more stimulating than getting there and maintaining whatever it is that I have wanted in my life for so long. I guess I enjoy the thrill of the chase. Novelty keeps things fresh. It's fun. It's exciting.

It also wears off.

I've found that when novelty becomes the end-all for me rather than just something to enjoy in the appropriate way, true meaning loses it's place in my life. Phrases like 'then what?' 'now what?' or 'what else?' have crept their way into my thought and speech patterns, I'm afraid. I find myself looking ahead to the next novel ideas or pursuit. Why?

Number one, I have that certain attention-span problem that tends to cause boredom and make me crave stimulation, though I now know that I can't hide behind this as my excuse. It can be managed. Number two, I struggle alot with contentment. I don't always 'enjoy the cup of coffee in front of me'. Of course, that's no excuse, either. I know the Lord and he has promised to teach me how to be content. All the material I need to learn on how to do this is in the bible. I just have to be willing to listen and learn.

So, why have I turned my life into one big 'to-do' list that keeps me running so fast in life that I don't take time to stop and smell those flowers everyone talks about (or the aroma of the coffee that is wafting through the air before me?) Why do I always feel I have to look ahead and say, "what else?"

Well.....what about trying the word 'thank you' on for size.

Thank you!

Mmmmmmmm.....that feels nice. :)

Today's Gratitude List

2007-08-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

I think there is a bible verse somewhere that says that God's goodness is too numerous list. I'm certain there is! He's a mighty big God!! And as I began writing down this list of all the wonderful ways He has blessed me in my life, I found myself getting into the momentum of it all. I couldn't stop writing down what I was grateful for because the fact is that there truly is too much to contain on a piece of paper or a blog if I really sit down and contemplate this. Even in the dark B.C. days when I thought all life was handing me at the time were lemons, I learned to think about something as simple as the chair I might have been sitting on. I could have been sitting on a dirt floor! And what if I was sitting on a dirt floor? Then I thought of the fact that I was still sitting on something and not getting sucked into the earth to be lost forever! I mean......that's pretty extreme, but that's the way I have had to re-focus my mind at times when I allowed life to get me down. Thankfully, I haven't had to do it quite like that in a long time. My salvation has pretty much kept me away from somber thoughts like that. Even so....my old negative tapes sometimes try to re-insert themselves into the tape player of my brain and so, I take preventative measures and do one of the things I know works best.......make a gratitude list. There's no doubt that once I get going.....the peace that my tired soul craves descends upon me like fresh rain descends upon a parched earth. And I am restored. Here's what I'm thankful for today.....

1. The incredibly unselfish and mind-blowing price Jesus paid for my salvation.......knowing that this life and everything in it is not all there is ....that I am essentially just passin' through.....that the groaning and suffering I and other believers experience daily will end when we die and go to heaven.....and the unconditional friendship we get to share with Jesus today while we wait for that inevitable time to come. Without this.....nothin' else matters much beyond what I'm about to list. Jesus is my source for all the rest that follows and I'm grateful He loves me enough to let me have and enjoy these (and so many others I didn't list) wonderful gifts.

2. The amazingingly loving husband and daughter I have been given who love and accept me just the way I am....who forgive me daily, sometimes hourly depending on what kind of day I'm having.......who teach me what it means to be unselfish and committed to another.... who bring so much joy, laughter, surprise, and opportunities to grow. Without them, I would be at a tremendous loss and disadvantage in life.

3. The good health I enjoy daily

4. Our beautiful home and the great city, state and country that we live in.

5. 2 cars that we enjoy and that get us from point A to point B safely.

6. A happy Lab who has the uncanny ability to amuse us daily and makes us laugh often

7. The healthy and delicious food we eat and get to enjoy each day

8. Duane's job at USAA and all the very satisfying benefits and growth that have come with working for that company.

9. My job as a stay at home mom and all the very satisfying rewards and growth that have come with this unique opportunity.

10. My writing ability and the overwhelming desire to expell what's stirring inside onto what's waiting on the outside (notebook... blank Microsoft Word page...blog,......another person who is looking for validation or encouragement in something they are struggling with)

11. My blog and all the awesome blessings it has brought into my life (and hopefully others' lives).

12. The incredible growth and maturity our family received and were blessed by during our years at River City Community Church. All the people we met and developed friendships with there. All the people we are still connected with despite our move to another church family.

13. The new and exciting possibilities before us as we develope our relationship with Community Bible Church. All the places we are finding connection, healing and opportunities to serve and grow there. All the new friends we are making there.

14. The new healthy habits I have learned and incorporated into my life over the years and which make me a more effective member of the body of Christ.

15. All the new healthy habits I will learn and incorporate into my life in the years to come and which will make me an even more effective member of the body of Christ!

16. My very special friendship with DeAnn and the way that God has kept His promise to us by making us a 'force to be reckoned with for His Kingdom'

17. Getting to watch Duane love himself as God loves him and the joy that he is experiencing because of this.

18. The new levels that God is taking Duane and I in our marriage.

19. Celebrate Recovery

20. Scrapbooking

21. My college education

22. The quiet and silence I have now to write

23. Getting to know my niece again through this blog and discovering her true beauty and being inspired by that daily.

24. Sunshine and blue skies today

25. Money in the bank

26. The scripture in Jeremiah 30:2 (NIV) that gives me confirmation about why I journal about God's goodness in my life (.....'Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you'. ).

27. Boundaries and the reminder from someone who loves me that it's ok to say 'no' to the good things in order to say 'yes' to the better things (like Jesus had to do sometimes).

28. The struggles I have had....have now and will have because they develope my character

29. All the opportunities I've been given, have and will be given to use my gifts and talents to serve and bless others.

30. God's mercy and forgiveness for all the times I have messed up in life. Opportunities to learn how to extend that mercy and forgiveness to others when they mess up.

31. Ginger and all her wise counsel which has helped me take my Christian walk to the next level. Her discernment of the Holy Spirit's leading...... her honesty......her willingness to be vunerable and real..... the things she's opened my eyes to regarding who I really am in Christ....and the way she has taught me and modeled for me what it looks like to truly be friends with Jesus.

32. Romans 8:1 (NIV) which tells me, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." and the way that that scripture has especially ministered to me this year.

5 Minutes

2007-08-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

5 Minutes. Can my attentioned-deficient brain write something in 5 minutes? I am always struck with a million ideas.....so many that I can't contain them at times. So, I write. I love lists and they are something that I have come to rely upon to keep me sane and so, my idea for the day was to post a simple list of what I would love to write and elaborate on today, but don't have time to do. So here it goes.....

Enjoyed my day of rest yesterday and spent the afternoon with my daughter at our neighborhood pool.

Am 1 pound away from my goal of 125lbs!! Whoo hoo!!

Would like to start a new blog about what it's like to be an adult living with attention deficit disorder.

Would like to direct everyone to take a peek at the ADHD National website in order to understand this very serious and disabling condition, but don't know how to insert the link on this article right now

Praises for the day

Things I've done right

Things I love to do that I can start and finish

Learning to say 'no' to the good things so that I can say 'yes' to the better things

My thoughts around my scripture verse for the day in Ecclesiastes 7:8 that says, "Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride."

There.....I'm finished. :)

Tired

2007-08-08T07:28:00.000-05:00

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11: 28)

Today, as I begin this new blog......I find myself feeling very tired. It is as if I am forcing myself to write today. I noticed the very subtle switch from 'writing with a glad and willing heart' to 'writing because I think I have to' kind of mentality begin to settle in a few days ago. I think it was when I told my therapist yesterday that I made a rule with myself to write in this thing 5 days per week and she said, "Wow. You're pretty ambitious" in the tone of voice she uses when she thinks I'm overdoing it in something (which I tend to do with alot of things). Furthermore, when......after complaining to my husband last night about how tired and hurried I've felt lately........he suggested I cut down my writing days from 5 to 3, I think the lightbulb finally came on for me (How many times do I need to hear, 'slow down' before I finally get the hint???? That's stubborn me! ha ha!) And finally......this morning as I actually slowed down enough to enjoy my cup of coffee in the stillness and quiet was I reminded of how this is the way God wants me to begin my days (sipping coffee with Him and meditating on His goodness......NOT strapping on the roller skates immediately upon rising out of bed while spilling coffee down the front of me as I try to contemplate what 10 things I need to accomplish within the next 30 minutes......yikes!). I knew I needed to regroup, readjust and get refreshed. I'm glad I finally 'got it'. They say that awareness of anything that's not healthy is the first step toward healing. So, today.....I'm going to begin the healing process from a possible BIG burn-out.

Don't know when I'll write next. Only God knows the answer to that. Aaaaaaaaah, I am already feeling the peace in just saying that. :)

Horses

2007-08-07T14:50:00.001-05:00

The picture below is taken from an angle that I would absolutely love to be at right about now.......on the back of a horse. I enjoy horseback riding, but because of different priorities....I don't do it as much as I used to. Even so.....horses bring me alot of joy. I love looking at them....I love how they smell and I don't mind doing the hard work of shoveling up after them (once upon a time, I actually did this for someone for free just because I wanted to be around them on a regular basis). I guess if you love horses.....you'll love everything about them (including the not so glamorous aspects). As I was contemplating today's blog..... I thought of horses and their significance in the bible. I typed in the word, 'horses' on the Study Light website and managed to come up with ALOT of references. It was interesting to see what God had to say about these magnificent animals. Here are a few of my findings:

Are considered gifts (1 King10:25)

Valuable (1 Kings:10:29)

Bred for the king's service (Esther 8:10 &14)

Set apart as Holy to the Lord (Zechariah 14:20)

Fast, powerful, no match against a mere man....

But, as I was searching and enjoying all the praises for these great animals.....I also saw the other side of reality. Horses, according to God....

Can be crippled (Josh 11:6)

Can provide a false sense of security (Isaiah 30:16)

Will fall (Haggai 2:22)

Will get sick, are limited in their abilities, are no match for God and God's people.

Am I not like the horse? On one end, God says I am a precious and valuable gift created by Him for Him to do the specific work he created me to do during my time here on earth. I am capable of being fast, powerful and at times....no match for some. On the other end, I can become crippled.... I can provide others with a false sense of security and thus take on the role of being another person's idol. I will fall, get sick......I am limited in my abilities and if I'm not on God's side.......I am no match for Him or His people.

As I see it from God's perspective, unless I allow Him to lovingly care for me....train me.....and rein in my weak and wild human nature, I'm not much different than that of a mere animal. Interesting.

Learning to Fly

2007-08-06T14:35:00.000-05:00

I struggle constantly with all the 'fear nots' in the bible. I've never counted, but I understand there are alot. And for good reason.....fear ain't good and God knows it. That's why He spoke against it so many times. And, one of my biggest challenges in life is believing Him when He says I have a voice and that I actually have something important to share that may inspire, encourage and challenge another. I think I have become more comfortable with the first two. It's the 'challenging another' part that I'd rather avoid. You see, I have never been one to enjoy controversy or confrontation. It makes me uncomfortable. I fear it. There....I said it! As a one with a more introverted type of personality who also wrestles daily with pride issues, I'd much rather fly below the radar and not be seen or heard because that is what I have always found to be my 'safe place'. In this place, I falsely believe I won't get shot down by others. I can hide and do what I want when I want without anyone ever knowing what I'm up to. I can have my own world with my own opinions and beliefs. And no one will be around to tell me what to do or how to do it. No one will hold me accountable. And I won't have to hold anyone else accountable. In this place, I am essentially alone, miserable and dying a slow death. I don't want that. I want to be in relationship with others and be joyful no matter what my circumstances. I want to live, not die. That is my true nature in Christ. But in order to have that.....I have to be willing to fly.

I have been profoundly affected and changed many times over by those individuals who were courageous and loving enough to fly above the radar by telling me the truth in love and then offering to hold me accountable. There have been many and I admire people like that, whether I always agree with them at the time or not. To me, they are the real heros. They would never consider 'blending into the wallpaper', even if they are typically quiet in nature. Quiet or not, they have a strength in them that cannot be shaken. They believe in something and they stand on that belief through their own voices of truth. They are willing to give up whatever is necessary to keep their cause alive. Sometimes it's pride or personal happiness or comfort. Other times, it might be convenience or time or money. Whatever it is, they trust God and place these things in his hands to do what needs to be done. Jesus gave up all those things and more for his cause, which was us! He gave away his entire life on a rough hewn cross for His belief that all of us less than perfect people deserve to be loved and forgiven and given another chance so that we can have an authentic relationship with our Father here and in heaven. According to the bible, there was no other way except through his son's sacrificial death. Lambs and cattle would no longer suffice as acceptable sacrifices. Jesus unselfishly became that acceptable sacrifice once and for all. And in the end, Jesus won. He rose from death, ascended into life in heaven and sits on the right hand side of God the Father as our #1 advocate. Not only that, but He sent his Holy Spirit to live and dwell in those who choose to believe in Him.

On November 2003, I chose to surrender my old life, die and rise again as a new person in Christ. All that was involved was a willing heart and a prayer asking Him to come on in! And life as I once knew it has never been the same. As a Christian, I am called to follow His example daily to the best of my human ability. And with Him in me, I can. So, when I hear God telling me (inspiring me, encouraging me, challenging me) to 'fear not', I'm torn. My old, fearful, earthly nature wants to run and hide out. And my new, courageous, spiritual nature wants to stand firm and take action. It's a choice, really, just as it was a choice to receive Him into my heart several years ago. Do I wish to do what God wants or what I want? Do I wish to prolong the pain and stay on the ground or..... do I wish to heal the wounds and fly to great heights? I confess that sometimes, I do what I want, only to be reminded by the Spirit within that my choice wasn't the best one. The conviction comes when things just don't sit right with me and the situation. Whatever it is that I used to find amusing or safe or important no longer does it for me. The good news is that as I continue to put one foot in front of the other on my Christian journey, I find myself doing more of what God wants and less of what I want. That's how it's supposed to work and because we are all different.....we all go at different paces according to how much we choose to grow and stretch ourselves by surrendering our lives daily to God. I thank Jesus that I am forgiven for all the times I've messed up, continue to mess up now and will mess up later. He is a God of 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th, etc) chances and this stubborn girl is very grateful for all the oppportunities to get in agreement with Him about her inadequecies.....receive His grace and MOVE ON to do His will while waiting for his return. WHOOO HOOOO! That's the kind of stuff that gets me excited about being a Christian. I get to move away from a slow death below the radar and soar on wings like eagles into an exciting new life above it! And today.....I'm doing just that!

My Prayer for Mackenzie

2007-08-03T09:57:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading my niece's blog and she mentioned something that I just read about in my morning devotional and that has been on my mind alot lately: The dreaded generational curse.

The curse is basically those unhealthy, beliefs, thoughts and behaviors which our ancestors knowingly or unknowingly participated in and which were inevitably passed down through the generations. The bible talks alot about that and how it is our responsibility to stop the cycle within our own generation.

I look at Mackenzie constantly and pray that she won't carry on some of the same destructive behaviors I or others have unknowingly passed down to her. I pray that she will choose to stop the cycle and that her kids will be even better off and that their kids will be even better off than them and so on! I pray that when she does realize the negative things she has inherited from her family of origin....the stuff that we never were never able to get right in our lifetimes for whatever reason........that she will forgive us and remember the good stuff we've tried to pass down to her. If she is unable to see anything good, I pray that she will seek God's guidance in helping her see the good (because it is there!). More than anything......I pray that she will see that the past is something that can't be changed and that the present belongs to her to act responsibly. And I pray that she will refuse to blame or play the victim but rather act responsibly, despite all the times her grandparents, aunts, uncles, me or her father never did. That's my prayer for today.

Lessons From a Dog

2007-08-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went to pick up Mackenzie from her friend's house. And her friend's mom, Ann, invited me to sit a while and have a cup a coffee with her. Instead of hurriedly gathering my daughter together and rushing off, I accepted Ann's invitation....allowed our girls to play a while longer and enjoy some good fellowship time. While I was there, (Jenny) the family's very friendly Golden Retriever, hung close by. There were a couple of times that we got up and walked to different parts of the house. Jenny followed. If I bent down to love on Jenny, she returned the love with no hesitation. The funniest thing I observed about Jenny was how she would lay at Ann's feet and keep one paw touching Ann's leg. If Ann moved back, Jenny would immediately get up and position herself closer so that she could stay in physical contact. It was hilarious to watch this dog. Her enthusiasm for loving 'her people' and 'her people's friends' spoke to me, too. It reminded me of why I love dogs so much. They love their master like I desire to love mine. Jenny had to keep in touch with her 'god' (Ann) at all times or else she felt lost. I have to do the same with my God (Jesus). But sometimes, I don't pursue Him as excitedly or consistently as Jenny does (or as my own extrememly zealous black Lab, Molly, does). I want to. I want to do as the bible says and fan the flame within constantly. I've been to both places in my life.....on fire for God and cold as ice for myself. I love what one of my other dog-loving friends, Rene, once shared with me. She said that when a dog keeps it's eyes on it's master, it obeys. But, the minute it takes it's eyes off it's master, it disobeys. So true with me. Really.....is there any wonder why dog spelled backward is God???? Gotta wonder!

Just Writing and Paying It Forward

2007-08-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

Right now....my heart is not speaking to me about anything in particular to write about. So, when that happens and I feel creativly dry........I do what the title of my blog says and I just write, trusting that God will open things up and let it flow. That's always the way it's worked for me. In college, it was called 'free writing'. Great tool! Sometimes, I produce some pretty goofy sounding stuff. Sometimes, I produce some pretty deep and profound stuff. Today, I'm not sure. And, right now......I'm a bit pressed for time. My schedule is keeping my roller skates busy ( I may have to change a wheel or something), so I can't stay long ( darn it! I hate that! I could sit here for hours if I could!).

I love to write. And I really love blogging because it forces me to just write. I feel a sense of responsibility to this site, even if I don't have a massive readership (yet!). I keep my eyes glued upon God's wisdom which says to discipline myself.....persist......keep moving forward.....do things with Him in mind. And everytime I sit down to write something on this blog, He is on my mind. I want to please God by using something He gave me in the hopes that one day....this overwhelming desire to write and write and write will do something good for another person........that perhaps, something the Holy Spirit led me to express will reach someone right where they are at. I guess I desire more than anything to do somthing for another as it has been done for me. That's why writers write! At least that's why THIS writer writes! Pay it forward.

Gone Swimmin'

2007-07-31T06:58:00.000-05:00

Gonna take advantage of this nice (and lately...rare) sunny day and am taking my kiddo to Six Flags Fiesta Texas for the day!

Choices, Priorities and Responsibility

2007-07-30T09:53:00.000-05:00

I live in an ever growing city that gets larger and larger each day. San Antonio was once known as the 'biggest small town' you'd ever know. You could go to one side of town and see someone you knew. Not so anymore. We have far exceeded the boundaries of Loop 1604, which pretty much used to contain the city. And with this growth comes more choices that add both excitement and temptation. There is a Starbucks on every corner.....more restaurants than you can imagine and stores galore.....not to mention numerous new neighborhoods to move into and entertainment options for every taste. San Antonio is growing up and out. It's overwhelming to me. At the same time, it's exciting because I do love variety! But, I find myself getting more anxious than joyful over the new possibilities that variety like that can bring. I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (or ADD) and I don't say that to make an excuse for myself. I say that to state a fact that is true about me and that gives God a wonderful way to show me and others just how big He really is. I remember when I was first diagnosed with the condition this past January and I was: 1) relieved that someone finally helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together as to why I tend to start stuff and not always finish what I start.....why I struggle so much with making decisions (even seemingly easy ones)......why organization is so important to me (survival mechanism).....why I constantly feel so frustrated in life (never feel like I can finish things and feel that wonderful sense of accomplishment that most people feel).......why I have battled depression so much in my life (because I could never experience that wonderful sense of accomplishment that most people get to experience!) and 2) feeling mixed feelings between anger that I had this problem and denial that I had this problem. I think I am still hovering between those 2 feelings of grief over my loss at times , but then......it hasn't been long since my initial diagnosis. I have a ways to go through the grieving process(patience, patience!). My point is that yes........I stuggle more than most with making choices, setting priorities and being responsible for those choices and priorities that I make and set each and every day. Another reality in my life is that I battle with perfectionism constantly, which makes things even more stressful.

But, here's the good news: God says I don't have to let all this eat my lunch and starve me to death with anxiety, anger, frustration and depression. God says I can let go of that old life, embrace my new life in Christ and live the victorious and satisfying life He promised. How do I do that? He's given me LOTS of tools to help me along the way. And Jesus is the keeper of all those tools. I'm afraid to know where I'd be today if I didn't have Him providing me with what I need and holding my hand every moment. I'd be lost. And on the days when the choices are extrememly overwhelming and I want to give up and go back to my old life, my best friend gently extends His hand out to mine (the one I sometimes put in my pocket because I don't want to be so touchy and close.......that intimacy thing again!) and asks me......."Did you take your medicine today? Did you reach out and call or visit someone? Did you journal and clear your head? Did you exercise? Are you allowing yourself to have some fun or is it all work, work, work? Did you eat too much sugar? Did you spend some quiet time with me in my Word? Are you following me or are you following someone or something else?" He guides me when I can't guide mysef, which is all the time!

Sometimes I hear that voice from others who know and love me......sometimes I hear it during the sermon at church or when I'm reading my bible.......sometimes I hear when I'm engaging in a fun activity.......sometimes I hear it when I'm helping someone....sometimes I hear it on KLove Radio or when I'm listening to a Christian CD......sometimes I hear it while I'm washing the dishes or cleaning out the tub......sometimes I hear it in Christian books I read, like the one I read this morning. Whenever or wherever I hear it, I know that voice to be God's voice and it always helps me get my priorities straight.

The facts are this: I have been given a life that is filled with lots of choices: Choices as to what I'll put into my body.......choices at to how I'll spend my time....choices as to what I will write in this blog.....choices as to who I'll follow and live for (me or God). And I have a choice as to how I will respond to those choices. You know, I love the word, "Responsibility" because it's all about our ability to respond. And I don't know about you, but I want to use my ability to respond God's way....not mine! I want to be responsible!

So, hear goes my prayer for the day.......God, thank you for giving me choices. Thank you that you gave me a free will to choose......that you are not a God who is forceful or pushy, but rather one who is gentle and patient. Forgive me for taking your love for granted and for trying to do it all my way and not yours. I want to follow you today and use this gift of free will to do your will. Jesus, let's hold hands and walk together. Keep my heart soft to your ways and my ears open to your voice. And when (not if) I withdraw, gently extend your hand out to mine and prompt my heart to respond to your love. Thank you for loving me like you do! I love you! May my actions reflect that love in everything I do today. In your name, Amen.

Past Perceptions

2007-07-27T12:11:00.000-05:00

As I was reading through some of my niece's past entries on herblog, I came across something she said that rang so true for me. She wrote,

"I always thought that blogs were just a way for pretentious people to feed their already overblown egos, but it turns out they are just regular pages where people can post about life, opinions good or bad, or share some photos."

Boy, that was me! What she said confirmed part of the reason why I was too afraid to start blogging. I might seem too full of myself.....it might look like I was making it all about me. Now I know that my past perceptions were a bit distorted. Oh sure, I've seen some blogs and.....well.....they are kinda making it all about them. But, don't we all do that sometimes? As I continue further on my blogging journey by putting one foot in front of the other, I am slowly discovering that it doesn't have to be like that. Blogs can be a great place to share and grow and learn.

Shameless Plug

2007-07-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

I am still in the process of adding/subtracting/tweaking my new blog site and one of the things I added today is a link to my (very cool and hip) niece's blog site. Yes, yes.......this is a complete shameless plug. If you get a chance, please go visit her site (click on link called 'Qwerty' on the upper right hand side of my site...do ya see it? Do ya see it?? ha ha). I love her writing style......it is very inspiring and very real. Check it out for yourself. Happy reading!

Healing Rain

2007-07-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

For the last few weeks it seems, my life has suddenly gotten faster than I am comfortable with. I can't pinpoint when that started or how that started. I just know that it started and today.....I crashed.

I made it to my weekly study group (sans makeup) and as I sat there chatting with the others before our group leader arrived, I could feel the water rushing against the dam that was about to break in me. I've known this feeling all too well before and earlier this week, I was able to recognize that I needed to ask God to wrap His loving arms around me and rein me in. That was the first step. The next step was letting Him. I think I let Him hug me a couple of times after that request and then I pushed Him away and said, 'Thanks.....I've got the rest covered for now,' and went on my merry way without Him, of course. But, He didn't give up on me and when the dam finally broke......I knew I had reached that wonderful place of surrender that I always want to experience, but am not always willing to go to (because it's too darn hard!). And Jesus was there to catch me as He always is. He was there in the honesty and realness of the others while they shared their own hearts......He was there in the soothing words from our study leader as she comforted and validated each of us after we bared our souls..........He was even there when, after realizing I had forgotten to pack Mackenzie's lunch today for her time in childcare (she ended up doing it herself!), my forgiving daughter read the guilt on my face, put her hand on my shoulder and with a genuine smile on her face said, 'It's OK! It really is OK, Mama." She will probably spend her share of time in therapy in the future herself because forgetting to pack her lunch is only one of many things my baby has had to put up with being the daughter of a therapy girl like me. Even so......I know she'll know what to do to take good care of herself because she loves the Lord and because He'll show her what to do. That's comforting!

So I get home and try AGAIN to escape the rest that God is gently calling me to. I think to myself, "I should mow the lawn so Duane doesn't have to do it. Or maybe I ought to do the weekly menu and grocery list. No, I need to......." I finally ignored all that and went straight to doing my homework for next week's class (which, by the way, is not something one should take on immediately after an experience like I had in class!). I put on the coffee and proceeded to guzzle down more cups than my nerves needed at that point (water probably would have been the better choice right about now). I figured I deserved this because my busyness had caused me to actually FORGET to drink my morning joe (that's pretty bad! ha ha!). Then, that small, still voice called out to me again and said, "Call Deann and ask her to pray with you." Deann is my God-fearing best friend and neighbor who knows just about everything there is to know about me and my quirks. She's one of those 'safe' friends that God has blessed me with. She's also my partner in crime when it comes to prayer. We learned (through much trial and error!) to keep the enemy on his toes when things get tough by calling each other and praying. It's so powerful and yet, my stubborn, prideful self actually tried to shove this suggestion aside. Luckily.....I ignored my flesh and called her anyway. And I was soooooooooooo glad I did. You see, the bible says that when 2 or more come together in Jesus name to pray......He's there, man! And the enemy of my soul that keeps me behaving in less than Godly ways quickly (and I mean QUICKLY!) high-tails it out of there! He gets pretty scared when people pray and there is definitely strength in numbers. We prayed......she cried a little....I cried alot.....we praised Him and then we chatted some and ended our conversation giggling like 2 school girls (the kind of giggling that doesn't stop and gets worse as time goes on). It felt great to laugh again and get my joy back (just like we prayed for! Yay God!). She, of course, encouraged me (she has that gift) to make sure I take care of myself today (my study leader had said the same thing.........hmmmmmmm, how many times do I need to hear that???????ha ha!). I asked her to do me a favor and hold me accountable for something. I told her that if I didn't pick up my phone and call her by Monday to let her know how I'm doing.......would she please pick up her phone and call me? She agreed. And then we hung up. I picked up all my piles and to-do lists off the floor, put them in my 'breathing box' (the box that I have designated as a temporary hiding place for that stuff when it starts making me crazy.....like today), went in my room.....turned off the lights.....layed down and listened to a relaxing worship CD. When I finished, I heard the rain pouring down outside and I was reminded of all the references in the bible about water and how it heals. I was reminded especially of 2 things: Jesus is my Living Water and God's Healing Rain. Then....I went outside on my deck, sat down and yes...........let it RAIN DOWN ON ME!! What an awesome experience that was! I am such a sensual person and feeling that rain fall upon my hot skin like that further confirmed what God had been trying to tell me all along: I wash away your sins.......no matter how bad they may be......I cleanse you with my Living Water......you're pure (just like your name!)........your clean, darlin'! Quit being so hard on yourself, stay close to me, let me love you and when your tank has been filled up with my love.....pour it out on someone else! That's my way......I want that to be your way, too."

So, I share this story (which flowed through my heart to my fingers much easier than any of my previous posts btw!) of how incredibly awesome my God is on this blog (that He provided me with) in the hopes that it will encourage, inspire and give hope! Have a great day! :)

Sasquatch

2007-07-26T11:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here at my computer with my hair in towel and no make up to be found on my face. I have to leave for my bible study class in 15 minutes. BUT...I couldn't stay away! So, before I dash off to do my 10 minute make-up/"put -my -hair -up- in- a -ponytail- because -I'm -running -late- again" session, I wanted to post this funny picture I came across in my photo files. Meet Sasquatch. He is one of Molly's favorite chew toys (yes....I did take a picture of my dog's toy. What of it? Hey! I scrapbook! I was inspired at the time to do a silly page! ). Any how, seeing this picture made me laugh when I saw it and I needed a good laugh this morning. I hope you get a good one, too! Well, I'm off! Until next time!

Copy Cat

2007-07-25T18:13:00.000-05:00

Berta..Berta...Berta...I just realized something creepy when I visited your site just now. The picture I included on my site of me looks like the one you included on your site of you! Ok.....how co-dependent is that????? Ha ha! I swear I didn't set out to do that on purpose. It was totally subconscious! I'm just such a visual person and when I see something that looks cool, I want to (as they say in the scrapbooking world)...lift it. So, I apologize for subconsciously 'lifting' your facial expression! (That just sounds weird, doesn't it?).

Feeling Pretty

2007-07-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

Girls....Do you remember being in 4th grade? For me, that was the year I began to get in touch with my inner vanity child. And, it seemed that whatever my best friend at the moment was wearing....I wanted to wear it, too. For me, it was all about cute clothes....pretending to be the latest celebrity and roller skating!!! Oh my.....did I just reveal I came of age during the latter 70's/early 80's roller skating heyday???? Yes, I wanted to cut my hair in wings and own the latest pair of Luv-It Jeans with the fringe down the sides (in fact, I did eventually get a pair and everyone I went to school with reminds me about it to this day!). I wanted to be like the older girls I knew who went to junior high school. I wanted to feel pretty. And in 4th grade....I felt pretty. Today....Mackenzie got her hair cut like her best friend, Sophie, and I can tell that she feels pretty, too. My usual bug and animal lovin' girl who'd rather read books and go for days without a shower instantly transformed into a sassy, head-shakin' confident young lady once she stepped out of the doors of Regis salon. She insisted we hang out at the mall for a while so that we could look around at the Limited, Too. And when we got there, she actually looked at alot of the clothes this time rather than head straight for the gadgets (which always drives me crazy!). It's amazing what a cute haircut will do for a girl! So girls.....whatever your age.....take time to be nice to yourself today! Get a haircut....give yourself a pedicure or buy yourself some nice smelling hand lotion! You deserve it! :)

Being Vunerable

2007-07-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

This morning, we had a pretty hefty thunderstorm blow through San Antonio (No surprise there these days! Today is day 51 and counting! Send in the Ark!) and the rain came down like someone literally turned over a bucket. Mackenzie reminded me that someone DID turn over a bucket and his name is "God". How vunerable I felt watching the water accumulate quickly up my neighbor's driveway. And how vunerable I felt when I found out about the tornado that skirted our neighborhood in the middle of the night over a week ago. And how vunerable I felt when I found out about the recent explosion that occurred in Valley Center, Kansas (where my brother and nephew live and the same place I visited last month with my family). And how vunerable I felt when I learned that people got trapped for a few hours in the St. Louis Arch this past week (another place my family and I just visited last month). And how vunerable I now feel again as I have learned that there was yet another explosion in Dallas (which is where we are headed in 2 weeks!). Truth is.....I am vunerable. I am vunerable to tragedies like these. And by putting my heart out there via this blog or via my own voice, I am vunerable in another way..... to nasty comments and criticism...judgement and rejection. I can be beaten up by it all.....just like Jesus was. But like Him, I don't have to let stuff like that kill me forever physically, emotionally or spiritually. I can rise up....just like Jesus did! Amen to that!

Discipline

2007-07-25T06:58:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning thinking about my blog and all the things I'd like to do on it. I am truly excited about this new adventure that God is taking me on with my writing.....Note to God: Thank you for hearing me out and providing me with this newest 'tool' that will help take my writing to the next level! You're awesome, as always!

One thing I've often heard about blogging is that it 'forces you to write'. I can see where that might be so. I know I need that kind of discipline where my writing is concerned if I ever want to get serious about it.......kinda like my Molly needs to be disciplined about obeying me if she ever wants to get serious about that piece of sirloin on her head! :)

Thanks to you who posted comments! I feel 'official' now! Ha ha!

Ps...I forgot to give credit to the photographer of that lovely sunset picture, who happens to be my 9-year old daughter, Mackenzie.

Just Tweaking

2007-07-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

It's late and everyone in this house is sound asleep......except me, of course. I am just tweaking my new site and trying to make it look wonderful. Waaaaaaaaay too many decisions for a recovering perfectionist like me who struggles with a certain attention span problem. Yikes! Should I include a photo or not? Which one? Distort it or show the real me? And what about the 'about me' part? What should I say? What shouldn't I say? Does the title work? Does it sound cool enough to fit in with all the other clever-sounding titles I've seen out there? Is this blogging thing really a good idea anyway? What have I gotten myself into? Do I really have the time? Do I really want to publish pieces of my heart on the internet for all the world to see? What if I sound stupid? What if I write something that gets me in trouble? What if no one reads any of this? What if ....what if......what if I.....fulfill my purpose for this site by writing something that ends up encouraging and inspiring another (even if it does sound stupid or gets me in trouble)? Is it really about me, anyways?

Just Starting

2007-07-24T17:08:00.000-05:00

As I begin my first try at this blogging thing, I can hear thunder rolling in the distance. That's my que to get off the computer soon. So, I'm gonna try and keep this short (not easy for someone like me who loves to ramble).

I would like to say 'thank you' to a certain individual who emailed me today and invited me to visit her blog site.....you know who you are! I hope you read this! She inspired me and gave me the courage to just.....start. So, I'm just starting this blog. I don't know where it will take me from here. But, I know that I love to write......that I am meant to write and that it has been suggested that I keep on writing. God didn't give me this passion for nothing!

This blogging thing is all new for me. And I'm excited to see what is to come!