Update

Though I have somewhat quit feeding this poor blog, I haven't stopped coming here every now and then just read my old posts and stay inspired to 'just write.' And I'm grateful for that continued inspiration to keep doing what God put in me to do. You know why? Because yesterday (after yet another nudge from another encouraging friend) I finally submitted my very first article to a magazine! ((((((((Doing happy dance now)))))))))). It may not seem like such a big deal to some, but to me...it was a BIG victory in Christ! And that's exactly how I was able to do it.....in Christ. There is no magical formula or special secret to uncover. In Christ, I can do all things. Outside of Christ, I can't. And this year, I've decided to adopt one of my dad's favorite things he used to say to me often which is, 'don't tell me how you can't.....show me how you can!' I used to say 'I can't' because I really couldn't! And when I mustered up my own energy to show him and everyone else how I could....I got pretty tired. In Christ, I don't do that anymore. I am free from all that striving and strife because it is His strength working in and through me that releases me from that kind of manufactured pain. Don't be so quick to put me on that pedastal! I'm a pretty good manufacturer of pain when I choose to be. But when I try to be in charge....freedom alludes me and pride takes over. I want freedom. And according to God, it's his gift to me to enjoy and share now and forever. The freedom I have in my life today is like no other and one that cannot possibly be described adequately in words. It is an authentic freedom one can only experience fully....in Christ.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength"

(Phillipians 4:13)

Father Knows Best

It has nearly been a year since I began my blogging adventure. Hard to believe time passes so quickly like that. And a year ago, I never would have imagined where I would be today. And to some, where I am today isn't such a plumb position. Today, I am in the process of recovering from a back surgery I had on May 7.



All of us have plans for our lives. We dream and some of us are fortunate enough to put feet on those dreams. I know that for myself, I've had that privilige many times. One of those dreams was to run in an 'official' 5K race. I got to run in 2 of them this past year! They were truly dreams come true for me......the experiences were awesome! And despite the back trouble, why would I dare regret getting to participate in something God so graciously opened the doors for me to do? I don't. Why? Because I now understand more fully that trials will come and with those trials comes character building opportunities. Humility has been something I've learned more about through my own recent trials.

When I was given the news that the shooting pains going down my left leg weren't muscular, but rather......spinal related and that surgery would be necessary, my first question was whether I could run again. I was told I could, but shouldn't. And though I have great faith that God is bigger than my injuries and could easily override what any doctor says is true........I also have faith in knowing that God, like any good father, wants his daughter to take care of the body he gave her to the best of her ability. And for me, that means doing what the doctor says to do. Big lesson in obedience here.



It's hard. No doubt. There are times when I want to say, "What does he know anyway?" and then run off (literally) and do my own thing. In fact, I confess I've tried my hand at disobeying the doctor's orders several times since coming home from the hospital. No, I haven't gone jogging, but I have done some other things that have slowed my recovery a bit. How ironic it is that I long to heal, yet choose to jepordize that very healing in favor of doing what I want. Thanks Adam and Eve! :)



Yes......I admit that me and donkeys have alot in common sometimes. But, thankfully, I am no animal. "Eating with the pigs" doesn't suit me like it used to. I long, instead, to be at home in my Father's house, wearing the finest clothes, eating the finest foods, and celebrating with the family I love. And that's exactly what I've had the pleasure of enjoying in these past few weeks more than ever! I got yet another taste of heaven. I didn't deserve it. But it came anyway. And what I know to be true is that to receive grace takes something only Jesus has the power to give.....humility. Without trusting him, my pride wins out every time. And when it wins....I lose.....as does everyone else.



Being down with a bad back has brough with it the joy of living more humbly. I didn't really get that before......but, I get it on a more deeper level now. That's been my experience. Why would I want to rush something so precious in favor of 'doing my own thing' over doing 'God's thing'? As I see it, Father (God) does know best!

Jesus Makes the 'Braid'

The violations came on me like a great windstorm that night. I couldn't, in my own pitiful human strength, keep them away. The voices were numerous…….."You're not good enough……you're not doing enough…..Jesus is going to come back and he's going to leave you behind…..you've let down your family, your friends, your church, your community. You've let down God himself. There's no hope for you." For all these things, I wept; tears flowed down my cheeks (Lamentations 1:16a). I sought comfort from my husband……the only human ally that happened to be nearby that dark night. I begged him to affirm me……tell me something good about me…..assure me that I was 'ok'! For whatever reason (perhaps because he's human??????), he was unable to say the words I so desperately craved. I felt utterly devastated and alone. No one was there to comfort me; any who might encourage me were far away (lamentations 1:16b) I picked up my bible and my eyes fell upon the scripture I had been meditating upon for many weeks…..the one that was helping me beyond my bad habit of isolating when things get bad: Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help….. Ecclesiastes 4:9. As I read those words, I felt betrayed. Didn't God tell me to reach out to others when I was in need? I reached out for help, but no one comforted me (Lamentations 1:17a)……I had begged my allies for help, but they betrayed me (Lamentations 1:19). I was confused and my bitter heart caused my mouth to curse both my husband and God…….the two individuals I was trying to simultaneously worship and find my assurance from. I let the sun go down on my anger and went to bed mad. And in the darkness of the night, I awoke. I couldn't sleep. Then I heard God's voice calling me. "Roll over and hug your husband." At the same time, I could feel the oppressive heaviness of pride keeping me from doing what was right. I was torn, but I felt cold in the death grip of my own sin. I didn't like it. The pain of staying the same had finally become greater than the pain of changing. So I prayed, "God, if this is what you want me to do, please give me the same strength you gave your son Jesus to rise up from the dead! I'm tired and worn out from all this sorrow caused by fighting you! I surrender…..Help me!" Rise during the night and cry out. Pour your hearts like water to the Lord(Lamentations 2:19). And I rolled over and hugged my husband. He squeezed my arm in the affectionate way he does when he wants to say, 'I love you, too.' And in that instant, I felt God's grace and peace wash over me. A marriage was saved and resurrected that night and it happened because of a simple act of trust in the only One who can do for us that which we can never do for ourselves. A third person had been invited to intervene and entered the scene and made us stronger…….Jesus Christ. And in that precious moment, that scripture in Ecclesiastes became even more meaningful to me, especially the last part………

Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12)

Giving

I am about to finish up my Thursday step class and we are currently working on step 12 which is the 'giving step'. I love this lesson because this is what the Christian faith is all about. This is what we were saved to do! Yet....as I began working on my homework for this lesson, I found myself struggling with honestly answering some of the questions. And it made me contemplate the whole giving thing. I stopped working on my lesson and picked up my journal. It's something I do when I am struggling and don't know which direction to go next. It's one of the ways God and I communicate. Here's what we talked about........

Sunday March 30, 2008

Why is it so hard for me to give sometimes?

What is giving about?

God comes first, not you. You give because God gave to you. Maybe it's hard to give sometimes because you forget this. You forget that all you have.......all you enjoy.......all you learn..... is a gift from God. Even your suffering is a gift because it strengthens your character! Do a gratitude list.

Giving involves relationship. It's about 'we' not 'I'. Giving can never be done alone. In order to give, someone else has to be involved. That can be difficult for someone like you who has a bad habit of isolating- who tends to 'lone ranger' it through life.

Giving involves sharing. If you were never taught in a healthy way how to share as a child, it can be difficult to learn as an adult. But, it's never too late to learn. Start now!

Giving involves sharing 'how it was....what happened....who your source of strength was.... and that your source of strength can be someone else's source of strength, too'. How can someone like me with an A.D.D. brain remember all this???? Faith in God to help with the recall and the words! What about finding people who are hungry for what I have? Trust God to lead you to those people. Everyone is hungry. They just aren't always aware of it. They go numb (just like you can do sometimes!). Wake them up! Be an example to them. They're watching you.

Giving involves being responsible. It involves being aware.....being awake. It involves being an example.....being a 'doer of the Word'. It involves being consistent in your actions. It involves committment. It involves authenticity.......sincerity. This can be very overwhelming to someone who has had little or no practice with such things. This can be scary to a perfectionist like me who thinks she has to do it all perfectly. That's the thing, though.......Jesus is the only perfect giver. I am his follower! I try and I do my best.....not someone else's best (cause someone else is always gonna think you can do better!). And when I'm unable to give.....I seek help so that I can give! That's what recovery is all about!

Giving is also about receiving. Sometimes, I fail to give because I have not first received or I have forgotten what I have received (do that gratitude list!). I cannot give away that which I have not been given. Open your hands! (yes! It's ok to receive handouts!)......open your arms.......run to Jesus! Be that wide-eyed child of faith! And be sure to say 'thank you' for all you have been given (that gratitude list is a good start!). Let giving and receiving become a healthy cycle in your life. God says you have to receive his love first (be filled up) so that you can then give it away (pour it out). You're his workmanship......his vessel......a beautiful vase which is designed to hold and pour out his living water! Let it be a perpetual action in your life.....like a fountain!

So, being a girl of many questions, I have to ask......what happens when I run out of momentum? Why does this happen?

Have you shifted your gaze from the eternal to the world? You and God have kept constant eye contact. You can look him in the eye now because of Jesus. You were created for that kind of engagement with both God and others! However, you (like Eve) sometimes give into temptation. And you choose that over the next right thing. You sin. And your sin causes guilt. And instead of allowing your guilt to change your ways.......you go further into a world of shame. And before you know it......you become a squatter in the bushes trying to cover yourself with sticky fig leaves. The answer lies not in sticky fig leaves but rather.......God's royal coverings! Is there hope? You betcha! God is always watching you. His gaze never shifts. And like a loving parent......he keeps his eye on you because you are the apple of his eye! He waits patiently for you to turn your eyes to Him again. He's waiting. It's up to you. How long are you going to hide? How long do you want to suffer? Is your pain threshhold really that high? Or are you numb to the pain? Please wake up!

Another thing about giving is that it involves being fearless. Often, I find myself being afraid to give because I fear I'll lose something. Maybe it's money......time.......possessions. Maybe it's my dignity......my joy.....peace, serenity, freedom, sanity. Maybe it's something I think I've worked real hard for (and when I'm here......it's because I've forgotten who helped me!). Maybe it's my pride! Ouch. God asks me to guard my heart and mind. I get that intellectually. I don't always get that in my heart. Boundaries. That's a word I have learned alot about in the last few years. Recently.....God has brought the word, "violations" to mind. There are violations occurring every second upon my time, attention, money, etc. How do I possibly filter it all out? How do I discern between what is a true violation and what is something good God wants to give me??? God reminded me that I have in me, because of putting my trust in Jesus.......the Holy Spirit. He acts as my filter. He helps me discern.....sort through all the stuff in a healthy way. He is the reason Jesus could discern. If I go back and read the bible, I will see clearly that Jesus was bombarded constantly. But because he had the 'Holy Spirit' filter working through Him......He was able to know when to give and when to say 'no'. And He has taught me the same.

Giving is not the same being a martyr. Jesus was no matyr. He chose to suffer for the human race. And He chose the absolute worst kind of suffering so we wouldn't have to! God loved us so much it hurt! That doesn't mean we can't choose to suffer for those we love. We can and we should.....but we do so with a willing, surrendered, discerning heart that only Jesus can provide. God says I need to deny my flesh (for example.....say 'no' to using a credit card to buy myself something)........I need to deny the world (for example.....say 'no' to someone who tells me that buying something with a credit card is ok)........I need to deny the enemy (for example.....say 'no' to both of those things and any other 'voices' in my head that continue to try and make doing this act 'ok' even when I know for myself that it's not). This is what it looks like to say 'no' to something harmful and 'yes' to something good.......repentence. But this can only come from faith in Jesus.

Finally.......Giving involves willing sacrifice. And again.....only faith in Jesus can produce that kind of giving. He willingly sacrificed his life for me. Therefore, my love response is to willingly sacrifice my life for him and when I think I can't........remember that I can by simply saying to Him in prayer....."I believe! Help me over my unbelief!"

Can't give away what I have not receieved. Jesus is the true source.

The Rythmn of the Dance

Duane recently landed in the hospital again. With as many times as my husband has spent time here for various reasons, I'm beginning to see what God was trying to let me in on when I first met Duane, who happened to be wearing a knee brace! :) I've come to accept this as part of the deal.

Most of the times.....Duane has been under hospital care for various orthopaedic reasons.......namely his knees. This time, however, we weren't prepared for the reason for his latest visit.......a mini-stroke.

I won't go into all the details except to say that as I am blogging.....Duane is currently being prepped for another 'procedure'.....one where they put a small camera down his pipes to check out the condition of his heart. The nurse suggested Mackenzie and I not be present while they do this in his room, so we are home and I am doing what I do when I feel scared.....journaling (and for me......this is another way to communicate with God.). The point of my blog is to focus on the ways that God has spoken to me during this trial. He is good like that if only I will listen. And this morning......this is what he shared with me.....

Last night...I was drained and vunerable. And the enemy capitalized on that. My mind forgot all the wonderful scriptures God had planted there to help me get through the day at the hospital. I began to feel alone and afraid and slowly forgot about all the people who had come to visit and thus.....all the ways God had provided for us. I had forgotten. And God knew what I needed.......so he provided me with more strength through the prayers and words of encouragement from my dear friend, DeAnn. As I cried on her 'shoulder' over the phone, she encouraged me and prayed with me. And by the time we hung up.......I was filled up with the just what was needed to help me go on. I prepared some chicken for today's meals (so that Mackenzie and I didn't need to eat out....again) and cleaned up the kitchen so that I wouldn't have to face a dirty one when we got up this morning to start all over again. I went to bed and drifted off to sleep. And when I did my quiet time this morning......God reminded me that He does this all the time. He gives me whatever I need whenever I need it and he does so freely. All I have to do is ask with an expecting heart. He's generous.......he loves me........he provides. I am the one who often fails to see what He is offering and I miss out. And like a weak heart that is arhythmic (I hope that is a word!).......my own rhythmn is off. I get out of step with God's will for me.......which is always good! And in that time.....I need a heart check, just like what Duane is getting this morning so that things can get back on track.

Thank you God, for all the ways you provide. Forgive me for all the times I miss that. Keep my eyes and ears and heart open to your will, which is good, generous and loving. Help me to stay in rhythmn with you and when I'm off.......give me the willingness to trust you to do a thorough heart check so we can continue our dance! I love you! In Jesus name, Amen.

UTSA 5K Diploma Dash

Running the Race

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us"
Phillipians 3:14

Today, I ran a 1-miler in the SARR's Fun Run. I am training for my 5-K coming up March 1 (did I also mention that our family signed up to do the church 5K walk this month???? I would say I am definitely getting my fair share of race practice!). This was part of my training. Wanted to see how things are going and what my speed looked like. I surprised myself. I ran 1 mile in 8:35! Duane even said I was one of the middle finishers (I wasn't last like that last race I did many years ago with my nephew!!!). Today's run really helped boost my confidence level alot. But it's not me who gets the glory. I thank God for the body....the health and the most awesome personal trainer there is out there (Jesus Christ) to help me do this! Without Him......I wouldn't have the abundant life I have today nor the one I get to enjoy tommorrow in heaven! Go God! :)